Sunday, December 28, 2008

Regulators Offer Early Peek At Bernard Madoff Assets

Apparently disgraced Ponzi master, Bernard Madoff, wasn't exaggerating when he told federal agents he was completely "broke." A preliminary list of Madoff assets indicates that bilked investors stand little chance of ever getting their money back, sources close to the investigation say.

Here are some of the Madoff assets that will be up for grabs:

* A $113 returned merchandise credit from Bloomingdales

* A gold-plated class ring from Far Rockaway High School

* A video cassette of "Wall Street," autographed by Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen

* Yeshiva University men's basketball season tickets

* A vintage Farrah Fawcett poster (reportedly stolen from his son, Mark)

Sources say a few other items--including a hardwood replica of Madoff's fishing boat, Bull--may be added to the final list of assets when Madoff turns it over to the Securities and Exchange Commission before New Year's Eve.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Tapped For Movie Remake of "Errand Boy"

Recently engaged couple Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are in talks to star in a remake of the vintage Jerry Lewis film "Errand Boy," sources say. "It's Giselle's idea," according to the source. "Brady seems a little lukewarm on it, probably because he already spends most of his time running errands for her." (Indeed, the injured football star last week paid a paparazzi $2500 not to print a picture of him standing in line at Walgreens as he waited to buy a box of Tampax for the Brazilian supermodel.)

The source went on to say the biggest hurdle for the movie deal is finding the right script. "This is a comedy, and neither Brady nor Giselle have much of a sense of humor. They're both kind of stiff and wooden."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Schwarzenegger Orders eBay Auction of Hollywood Sign

Facing a depleted Treasury, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today authorized a sweeping fund raising effort that includes such measures as auctioning on eBay the individual letters of the fabled "Hollywood" sign in Los Angeles, selling the naming rights to the Golden Gate Bridge, and affixing advertising to roads signs on state highways. "It's a fantastic opportunity," said the Governor of the plan to sell the 50-foot high letters of the landmark sign in the Hollywood hills. "Owning a piece of Hollywood history like this is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime."

Officials said that under the terms of the auction, each letter would be owned individually, with restrictions on movement. "A person could receive legal title to the letter," one source said. "But they can't move it. Or paint it. Or actually do anything to it. It's kind of an ego thing, actually."

Plans for selling the naming rights for other state structures, such as the Golden Gate Bridge, are also in motion. "We envision stadium names, like the Intel Golden Gate Bridge, or the Denny's Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Golden Gate Bridge." Highway signs are also included. In one example, an exit sign for the 405 freeway would be known as the Long John Silver Exit 27 Upland/ Cienega. "We have to be creative, " Schwarzenegger said. "Raising taxes is not the answer. The Toyota Highlander Presents Leo Carillo Beach State Park is."

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Maxim Magazine Names Madonna Unsexiest Vegetarian

Maxim magazine today announced its annual list of "The Five Unsexiest Vegetarians Alive." The results, which will be published in the next edition of the men's magazine, offered few surprises. Topping the list for her "dessicated, dried out, and tough appearance" is grandmotherly pop singer, Madonna. "The irony is that Guy Ritchie likened making love to Madonna to 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle,'" said Rochel DeBeers, a magazine spokesman. "Well, she may cuddle like tough stringy animal tissue, but she really is a vegetarian."

Following Madonna are forgotten sitcom actress Lisa Bonet, rapidly aging musician Sir Paul McCartney ("you don't have to eat beef jerky to look like it," the magazine quipped), indie irrelevancy Fiona Apple, and retired film actress Daryl Hannah.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Iraqi Shoe Thrower, Muntazer al-Zaidi, Demands Royalties From Video Games

Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, has demanded a share of the royalties from the viral video games that have popped up on the Internet. The games, such as 'Sock and Awe,' have become a popular diversion for various groups of people with far too much time on their hands.

"Justice must be served," said Ali Khan Numormi, a lawyer for al-Zaidi. "What's right is right, and payment for digital performances is preserved for us under all systems of law, including Islamic and U.S. copyright law."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Toyota To Buy General Motors, Rename Detroit ‘Dirty Old Town By Lake’

Japanese automaker Toyota has made a bid to purchase General Motors for $999.95 and four sets of snow tires, according to a GM source. Under the terms of the planned acquisition, Toyota will gain control of all of GM's manufacturing facilities, its inventory of unsold, fuel-inefficient cars, various commercial real estate parcels, and GM's corporate discount card at Staples. Sources say the deal excludes all of the failed automaker’s liabilities, including bonds, dealer obligations, pension and retiree benefits, and severance payments to its 100,000 plus suddenly jobless union workers. "This is a total win-win for Toyota," one top industry analyst noted.

GM’s bond and equity holders apparently are mixed in their opinions about the deal. "Philosophically, I think wiping out hundreds of thousands of jobs and destroying billions of dollars in equity is a bad idea,” one shareholder said. “But I really like the snow tires.”

Also under discussion are the naming rights for the city of Detroit. Toyota executives are said to favor "Dirty Old Town By Lake," but Detroit city officials are adamantly opposed. "Changing the stationary would cost at least $500," one city insider complained. "We can't even afford to mail a letter, let alone change the letterhead on stationary we don't use." A compromise, "Dying, Scary Industrial Ghost Town," is said to be under discussion.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Miley Cyrus Settles For Used Porsche

Like many other teens who are suffering in these troubled economic times, pop sensation Miley Cyrus received just a hand-me-down for her sweet 16th. The charmingly unspoiled teen, who had wanted a Mercedes, got her mom's used Porsche Cayenne instead. Miley's mom, Tish, told reporters: "We're not really loving our children when we give into their every wish, especially if it means putting ourselves as parents aside." What exactly did Tish replace her Porsche with? A $455,500 Mercedes SLR McLaren, but of course.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Golfer John Daly Smashes Camera After Unflattering Chin Shot

Hideously overweight golfer, John Daly, smashed the camera of a spectator who was trying to get a close-up of his double chin at the Australian Open on Thursday. The spectator, Brad Clegg, said he had managed to get his camera about six inches from Daly's face when the golfer grabbed it and smashed it against a tree. Clegg, who was taking the shot for an inspirational weight-loss calandar, was not injured in the incident. "I guess Daly is a little sensitive about all that subcutaneous fat around his neck," Clegg said. "But, then again, who wouldn't be."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Illinois Governor Arrested For Attempt To Swap Senate Seat For New Toupee

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on charges that he conspired to trade Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat for a new custom toupee.

According to a 76-page FBI affidavit, court-authorized wiretaps revealed that Blagojevich wanted to replace his ill-fitting synthetic toupee with a custom-made real hair one. "The real ones cost major bucks," noted a source close to Blagojevich. "Rod was willing to risk it all, but apparently both he and his wife, Patti, really thought it was worth it."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Sarkosy Invites Obama To Smoke Cigarettes In Paris

In a bold gesture to improve Franco-American relations, French President Nicolas Sarkosy telephoned President-elect Barack Obama early this morning and invited him "to smoke his cigarettes at the Élysée Palace anytime," sources said.

After hanging up on Sarkosy twice, Obama had a warm and lengthy conversation with the French cigar aficionado. "From now on, I will stock Marlboros in my humidor for you, though you really should try our Gitanes," Sarkosy told Obama.

Sarkosy also congratulated Obama for his honesty in an interview with Tom Brokaw Sunday night during which Obama admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and continued to secretly enjoy his smokes. "We French value honesty above all in American leaders," Sarkosy said.

In one tense moment, the French President chided Obama for his choice of former First Lady Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State since she was the instigator of the White House no-smoking rule. "Elle me fiche le cafard!" (literally translated: she gives me the cockroach). Obama replied that he planned to lift the ban immediately following his inauguration. "With the economy like it is, the gum just isn't going to work," Obama told Sarkosy.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

General Motors CEO Offers Congress First-Born Granddaughter For Aid

Will Congress accept blood money for a bailout? General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner is counting on it. In a startling attempt to one-up rival Ford CEO Alan Mulally, Wagoner reportedly has offered Congress his first-born granddaughter in exchange for a bailout of his struggling auto company. Mulally earlier had made a lesser vow to work for an annual salary of $1 in exhange for government help. A source close to Wagoner's family said sons W. Matthew Wagoner, Scott Kaylor Wagoner, and George Richard Wagoner III, are in complete support of their father's generous gesture. Which son will lose a child has yet to be determined, the source said.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Bush Pardons One Turkey At The White House, Slaughters Another At Camp David

That President Bush is one sneaky guy. After performing the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony, the soon-to-be dethroned President cheerfully shared his Thanksgiving menu at Camp David. A vegan feast complete with tofu turkey? Absolutely not! The Bush family will be dining on free-range roast turkey, whipped maple sweet potatoes (it's still unclear who does the whipping), giblet gravy, and pumpkin pie with whipped topping (yet another whipping), among other items. A spokesman for the President declined to comment on the hypocrisy of it all.

Hugh Hefner Dumps Twins For Triplets

Rapidly aging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner has dumped his 19-year-old twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon, and replaced them with triplets, a Hefner source confirmed this morning. "Those twins were just too much trouble," the source said. "Hugh likes it a little rough, but aggravated assault is just not his thing."

The new triplets, who will move into the Playboy Mansion on Thanksgiving day, have crystal clean records, nice breasts, and pleasant attitudes, according to the source. "Hugh is hoping that three's the charm," she said.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Obama Sneeze Video Rockets To The Top of You Tube

We're still trying to figure out why this video of President-elect Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter has garnered so many You Tube votes...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tiger Woods Scores New Endorsement Deal With Depend

Just moments after ending his $7 million-a-year endorsement contract with struggling automaker General Motors, golfing legend Tiger Woods has picked up a new contract with adult diaper maker, Depend. "The urinary incontinence market is very attractive to Tiger," a spokesman for the golfer said. "It's a good fit with golfing demographics, and most importantly, 100% recession-proof." The spokesman declined to comment on terms of the deal.

Cindy McCain Misses Botox Appointment, Terrifies School Children

Cindy McCain, wife of failed Presidential candidate John McCain, terrified a group of elementary school students yesterday after missing an appointment at a plastic surgery clinic for her daily injection of botox.

Mrs. McCain was scheduled to appear at the John Birch Elementary School as part of an "Our Government Day" celebration. When she walked into one classroom, student cheers quickly changed to screams of alarm and terror. "Mrs. McCain had a unusual appearance," one teacher said. "She looked like a Barbie doll that had been shoved into a blast furnace --all crinkly and cratered."

Have tumbling stock prices forced the McCains to reduce the family botox budget? "Not at all," a McCain spokeswoman said. "They're trimming other expenses, but definately not the botox. Apparently, Cindy missed the appointment simply because she got stuck in traffic."

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Clinton Touts Plan To Make Pentagon Into Hexagon

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton
today unveiled a plan to add a sixth vertex to the
Pentagon, reconfiguring the headquarters of the
Department of Defense into a Hexagon. "Bold and
dramatic change is needed in Washington," Clinton said
in a statement. "The visual metaphor of remodeling one
of the world's largest office buildings into an even
larger office building is one way to show my
administration will deliver on the appearance of
change, even as the status quo will be maintained."

Plans call for a sixth side to be added along the
eastern portion of the building, that which currently
faces the Potomac River. Some 600,000 additional
square feet of office space will be created,
approximately 10% of the existing amount. "This
addition will facilitate efficiency and reduce
redundancy among DOD offices," Clinton said. "Workers
in the new Hexagon will no longer have to travel 10 or
15 minutes to get to a Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks, as
new fast food service are will be housed in the new
wing. Untold man hours will be saved, thereby lowering
costs." The Pentagon currently manages about dozen
restaurant outlets.

Clinton also cited a boost to the Washington and
national economies. "With a preliminary budget of some
$20 billion dollars, with the opportunity for
over-runs that could double or even triple the cost,
we forecast a tremendous boost for the profit margins
of favored contractors and their CEO's," Clinton said.
"It's a win-win situation for everyone."

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Trapped In Hell With Victoria Beckam

Get an inside look at the true Victoria Beckham in the latest installment of our popular celebrity series. Stay tuned for "Trapped In Hell With Renee Zellweger."

Clinton Rejects Proposal To Play Laser Tag As Deciding Campaign Event

After several days of intense internal debate, Hillary Clinton's campaign managers have rejected an overture from their counterparts in Barack Obama's camp to stage a game of arena laser tag as the deciding campaign event, insiders said today. The plan, first floated by Obama Campaign Manger David Plouffe, would have had Clinton and Obama squaring off in a winner-take-all match, with the loser dropping out of the Presidential race.

Sources said the idea was seriously considered by both sides. "We do indeed want to show that Hillary is strong on national defense," a spokeswoman for Clinton said. "Laser tag, with its quasi-military elements, fits that purpose. We felt Hillary was nimble enough, fit enough, and determined enough to compete and win a typical arena laser tag game. She's really good at creeping around corners and turning up unexpectedly. I mean, she's been married to Bill for a long, long time."

The Obama camp had their reasons for playing, too. "We're sure that Obama could outlast Hillary," an Obama insider said. "He's younger, stronger, and he's played laser tag many times before with his kids."

Negotiations reportedly broke down over the size of the laser tag facility, the number of hits required for victory, and the equipment. "They wanted the Positronic 2000 system, which isn't very gin." Both sides say they still may revisit the issue, as they much prefer the prospect of a spirited game of laser tag to a long, grinding, and static campaignood over 20 yards," the Clinton spokeswoman said of the Obama camp. "If we couldn't get the Laseroid 12-KU system, which is accurate up to 40 yards, we weren't going in."

Friday, April 4, 2008

Naomi Campbell Arrested In London, New York, Los Angeles

Model and actress Naomi Campbell was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for allegedly spitting at a police officer. After being booked and released, Campbell flew to New York where she was arrested again during a plane change for spitting at a flight attendant. Booked and released for a second time, the supermodel continued on to Los Angeles, where she was arrested after disembarking for spitting at a baggage handler. "After the two previous arrests, Naomi was very tired," her publicist said. "She simply didn't have the energy to spit at anyone in a position of authority. The baggage handler was closest, so she aimed at him."

In January, 2007, Campbell pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault for throwing a cellphone at her maid's head in a dispute over a missing pair of jeans. The jeans were never found.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Seinfeld Will Sue Himself After Car Crash

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who narrowly escaped injury when the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed yesterday, will file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against himself, a source close to Seinfeld said. "Jerry was very lucky not to be killed in that crash," the insider said. "He's furious that he allowed himself to fix the brakes of the car. He should have brought that Fiat to a professional -- it's simple negligence."

Seinfeld, who earned a fortune when his sitcom went into syndication, isn't filing the suit for the money, the source said. "Jerry thinks if he sues himself, he'll learn a lesson that can't be measured in dollars. He needs to recognize his responsibilities -- unlike Kramer, who sued himself in Season Five just for laughs."

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Apple Eugenics: Has Steve Jobs Gone Too Far?

Is Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs really trying to create a better world by inserting Macintosh code into the human gene pool? The jury is still out, but all signs are leading to one inescapable conclusion.

The first genetically modified iBaby showed up last year, bearing a distinctive apple-shaped birthmark. Since then, more than a hundred babies bearing a similar Macintosh logo have been sighted at hospital maternity wards, the majority in Silicon Valley. "It's unclear at this point if Jobs is trying to create a superior race or simply trying to produce out-of-the-womb brand-loyal consumers," said Murray Horowitz, head of the Vassar Institute of Anthropology, Human Heredity, and Eugenics. "We're going to be keeping a close eye on this one."

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Coty To Rename Parker Fragrance

Still reeling after a Maxim magazine poll named her the "unsexiest woman alive," Sarah Jessica Parker yesterday was dealt another devastating blow. Coty, maker of the Sex and the City star's perfume, "Lovely," has decided to rename the fragrance. Sources say the new name has yet to be chosen, but top contenders include "Homely," "Repellant, and "Utterly Hideous."

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Friday, March 28, 2008

Cox To Aniston: Please Get A Life

Sick and tired of having woefully undesirable divorcee Jennifer Aniston trail along with her family on every single vacation they take, Courteney Cox has finally put her foot down. "We thought Jen would have found a boyfriend by now," a weary Cox told reporters. "I'll still do the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research thing with her, but David and I are going snorkeling in Bali alone.

A visibly upset Aniston, who shadows Cox upwards of 17 hours a day, responded to the news from her Malibu bungalow. "Clearly Courteney is mising that sensitivity chip," she said.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaing Theme Song

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Obama Shows New 'Fro: Black Enough Now?

Sick and tired of hearing he's "not black enough," Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has opted for a change of hairstyle. "I love it," the Senator told reporters today of his new do. "Just a little bit of Afro-Sheen, and I'm ready to go." What does wife Michelle think? Rumor has it she's so smitten she's planning to grow a 'fro of her own.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Rev. Jeremiah Wright Apologies For God Damn America Sermon

Senator Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has finally offered a public apology for his infamous God Damn America sermon. Wright took to the airwaves Tuesday afternoon to say he was “deeply, deeply sorry” for the words he delivered to his congregation. “I flipped out,” a tearful Wright said during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “I certainly didn’t mean to say ‘God Damn America.’ What I meant to say was ‘God Damn F*cking America.’ And don’t even get me started about Canada…”

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Obama To Spitzer: Don't Endorse Me, Please

Senator Barack Obama has asked disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer not to endorse his candidacy for President today, tomorrow, or at any point prior to the election. "While I am personally sympathetic to Mr. Spitzer and his domestic difficulties, I hope he will recognize that his endorsement would be, at this point, a burden," Obama said in a statement. "I wish him well, but his formal endorsement would, quite frankly, only distract Americans from our mission of bringing real and needed change to America."

An Obama spokesman said Spitzer is just one of many pubic figures who will be asked not to endorse the Senator in the coming weeks. Disgraced Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, rapper Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and director-producer Judd Aptow will all be encouraged not to offer their public support. "The last thing we need is a good word from Stan O'Neal," the spokesman said. "And after Drillbit Taylor, we wouldn't touch Aptow with a ten-foot pole."

Monday, March 17, 2008

American Samoa Delegate Up For Grabs

Tutuila, American Samoa: This small, unincorporated island territory is ordinarily a relaxed tropical paradise, with warm, sunny days and warm, breezy nights. Lately, however, a bruising, desperate fight has consumed islanders. At stake is the allegiance of the territory's one delegate to the upcoming Democratic National Convention. What makes this battle all the more difficult to decipher is the delegate's honorary, i.e. non-voting, status. "I believe in change," says long-time Governor Togiola Tulafon. "I believe in Obama. He deserves our honorary, untallied vote." Not so, say members of the opposition. "Most islanders want our non-vote to go to Hillary Clinton," says Tulafon Togiola, a long-time political opponent of Governor Tulafon. "If we have no influence on the convention, we want that lack of influence to be for someone who has ignored us for decades, rather than months."