Saturday, April 4, 2009

Octomom Nadya Suleman's OctoWorld Theme Park And Spa Set To Open In Detroit

Octomom Nadya Suleman may be crazy, but she sure is smart. Suleman has just signed a multi-billion dollar deal to open the first "OctoWorld Theme Park and Spa" in Detroit, Michigan. Spanning the entire city of Detroit, the OctoWorld complex will be of such an enormous scale that Suleman, Detroit government officials, and all of Washington hope it will catapult the struggling city into the No. 1 tourist destination in the country.

Weary parents visiting OctoWorld will be able to drop their children off with unemployed General Motors corporate executives and factory workers for hours of unsupervised fun while they enjoy manicures, pedicures, and complimentary lip-plumpings at the luxurious OctoSpa, which will be adjacent to the OctoWorld park.

Suleman's OctoWorld will feature the world's largest roller coaster and dozens of terrifying rides, such as the "General Motors Drop Zone" -- a free-fall freaker with a death-defying drop very similar to the fall of the automaker's stock price. Younger visitors to the park will enjoy the "Rick Wagoner Dunk Tank," where a direct hit to the GM logo will caused the disgraced GM chairman to take a plunge.

"It's the perfect solution to General Motors' woes," President Barack Obama acknowledged through a spokesperson. "And Sasha and Malia can't wait to go."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Brits Go Mad As Michelle Obama Touches Queen Elizabeth II

First Lady Michelle Obama committed a giant faux pas on the first couple's trip to England when she actually touched Queen Elizabeth II. "That was a major no no," said a source close to the Queen. "We work very hard to maintain our reputation of being drab, sexless, and cold, and hardly anyone touches anyone, let alone the Queen."

The repercussions for Mrs. Obama could be tragic. "We used to put Queen touchers in the stockade," said the source. "But nowadays, we just feed them a typical British meal of boiled meat and leeks -- believe me, it's just as bad."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama Takes Baby Bump To The Gym

How do you know when your workout just isn't working out? When the tabs report that you're sporting a baby bump. Just ask First Lady Michelle Obama, who told Oprah Winfrey she's crushed about the pregnancy rumors in the April issue of O Magazine.

"Michelle Obama should cut out the junk and work on her trunk," says fitness guru Ricardo Richards. "She should also take a few lessons from her husband, who is by far the fittest President we've had in some time."

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Caylee Anthony Watch: Nancy Grace To Trademark "Tot Mom" Phrase

CNN personality Nancy Grave has filed to trademark the expression "Tot Mom" as a reference to Casey Anthony, mother of the murdered Caylee Anthony. "Nancy originated the phrase," says a spokesperson for the network. "It is her unique intellectual property. Grace's incessant, endless, grating repetition of the phrase, coupled with her nasal, shrewish, high-pitched whine, has created a distinctive and original phraseology which she is well within her rights to retain and develop as a brand. "

By repeating "Tot Mom" in referring to the Caylee Anthony case as often as every 4 seconds within a 42 minute time period, 5 nights a week, twice every night, Grace has laid the groundwork for the ownership and monetization of a verbal trademark. In-house focus groups have shown because of the jackhammer-like pounding she is inflicting on her viewers with what is otherwise a trite, banal expression, Nancy can and should take steps to protect her intellectual property rights. "By trademarking the phrase, Grace is in line to collect royalaties for usage of the phrase by others, although some observers doubt that possibility. "I wouldn't touch that "Tot Mom" thing with a ten-foot pole," a source said. "It's shorthand for 'I'm a nasty, stupid, rodent- faced idiot with a tv show,' if you ask me. She can have it."

Monday, March 30, 2009

New Reality Show To Decide Next Malawi Adoption For Pop Star, Madonna

Rapidly aging pop star, Madonna, has reportedly partnered with Mark Burnett, co-creator of "Survivor," to produce a reality show which will decide which "lucky" child from Malawi will be her next adoption. Borrowing from the "Survivor" format, the new show will feature a pool of ten female orphans from Malawi who will compete against each other in a series of contests, with the eventual winner becoming Madonna's newest Mini Material Me.

"Some of the contests will be very competitive," according to a source. "Attaching a radio-collar tag to a hungry lion, for example." Others will be more emotion driven, a kind of "cute off", with the most adorable child advancing to the next round, and the least appealing child being sent back to the village and a life of deprivation. "It should be quite an exciting production," the source assured.

The show is scheduled to begin shooting in April for Fall 2009 broadcast.