Saturday, January 10, 2009

French Officials Say 'Non' To Ambassador Anna Wintour

French government officials reacted with horror and shocked disbelief to a published report that Vogue Editor-in-Chieff Anna Wintour was being considered as Barack Obama’s U.S. Ambassador to France. "Non, non, non," said one French official. “C’est une peau de vache.!” [Roughly translated: No, no, no… She’s a bitch!.] While it is highly unusual that a host country should insert itself in the process of choosing an ambassador, French officials apparently are convinced that the choice of Wintour merits a pre-emptive strike, fearing that the legendarily cryptic, even inscrutable style of intimidating micro-management Wintour is known for will leave them floundering at the negotiating table. One top official suggested that Wintour's theoretical ambassadorship be re-assigned. "Put her up against Kim Jong-il,” he said, referring to the leader of North Korea. "Now there's a match made in heaven."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Obama's Half-Sister, Cousins, Neighbors To Move Into The White House

It's official!! President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, won't be the only one moving into the White House in the coming months. Obama reportedly also has invited his half-sister, Maya Setoro-Ng, "cousin" Raila Odinga, cousin-in-law Rabbi Capers Funnye, and three former neighbors from Chicago to join him at his new D.C. diggs, according to an Obama spokeswoman.

"Let's face it: Americans at all income levels need to tighten their belts in this economy," the spokeswoman said. "Obama thinks 'co-housing' may be the wave of the future, and the White House is a very big place." She decined to comment on rumors that Obama's personal trainer and former garbage man might join the family at a later date.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Madonna Rushes Lourdes Leon To Emergency Eyebrow Waxing

Pop singer Madonna abruptly canceled her concert tour and returned to London when her daughter Lourdes Leon was rushed to an emergency appointment at an eyebrow waxing clinic. "Madonna became absolutely frantic," a source close to the middle-aged songstress said. "With all of the fuss about the divorce from Guy, Madonna more or less forgot that Lourdes needed a twice-weekly wax. Then, when she saw a picture of Lourdes that was printed in a UK newspaper, Madonna freaked and ordered staff to schedule an emergency waxing. It was almost too late--the poor girl's vision was almost totally obscured by the unrestrained growth of her eyebrow hair. It was quite nearly a tragedy." Sources say the girl is resting comfortably after the procedure.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Caroline Bouvier Kennedy Puts The "You" In You Know

Oh, that Caroline Kennedy... Though she refuses to provide basic data about her finances, she expects Gov. David Paterson to appoint her to succeed Hillary Clinton in the Senate. And she has absolutely no experience. Oh yeah, and her favorite word is "you know."

Monday, January 5, 2009

CNN Ousts Nancy Grace; Caylee Anthony Show To Air Immediately

CNN Headlines News executives have decided to rename host Nancy Grace's hour-long program "The Caylee Anthony Show, Featuring Nancy Grace." The change is effective immediately. "At this point, Nancy more or less has Caylee's name tattooed across her forehead," a network source said. "We're extending the brand. If you watch the program, Nancy says 'Caylee' about once every 10 seconds. Our proprietary research indicates that if we accelerate that rate, we'll improve ratings dramatically. What we're aiming for is to have Nancy Grace staring at the camera and demanding in a high-pitched, grating shriek, 'Where is Caylee Anthony?' or some variation thereof about once every 6 seconds for a full hour, five nights a week. We see a franchise in this." Grace could not be reached for comment.