Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Cox To Aniston: Please Get A Life

Sick and tired of having woefully undesirable divorcee Jennifer Aniston trail along with her family on every single vacation they take, Courteney Cox has finally put her foot down. "We thought Jen would have found a boyfriend by now," a weary Cox told reporters. "I'll still do the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research thing with her, but David and I are going snorkeling in Bali alone.

A visibly upset Aniston, who shadows Cox upwards of 17 hours a day, responded to the news from her Malibu bungalow. "Clearly Courteney is mising that sensitivity chip," she said.

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaing Theme Song

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."

Obama Shows New 'Fro: Black Enough Now?

Sick and tired of hearing he's "not black enough," Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has opted for a change of hairstyle. "I love it," the Senator told reporters today of his new do. "Just a little bit of Afro-Sheen, and I'm ready to go." What does wife Michelle think? Rumor has it she's so smitten she's planning to grow a 'fro of her own.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright Apologies For God Damn America Sermon

Senator Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has finally offered a public apology for his infamous God Damn America sermon. Wright took to the airwaves Tuesday afternoon to say he was “deeply, deeply sorry” for the words he delivered to his congregation. “I flipped out,” a tearful Wright said during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “I certainly didn’t mean to say ‘God Damn America.’ What I meant to say was ‘God Damn F*cking America.’ And don’t even get me started about Canada…”