Saturday, December 20, 2008

Maxim Magazine Names Madonna Unsexiest Vegetarian

Maxim magazine today announced its annual list of "The Five Unsexiest Vegetarians Alive." The results, which will be published in the next edition of the men's magazine, offered few surprises. Topping the list for her "dessicated, dried out, and tough appearance" is grandmotherly pop singer, Madonna. "The irony is that Guy Ritchie likened making love to Madonna to 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle,'" said Rochel DeBeers, a magazine spokesman. "Well, she may cuddle like tough stringy animal tissue, but she really is a vegetarian."

Following Madonna are forgotten sitcom actress Lisa Bonet, rapidly aging musician Sir Paul McCartney ("you don't have to eat beef jerky to look like it," the magazine quipped), indie irrelevancy Fiona Apple, and retired film actress Daryl Hannah.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Iraqi Shoe Thrower, Muntazer al-Zaidi, Demands Royalties From Video Games

Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, has demanded a share of the royalties from the viral video games that have popped up on the Internet. The games, such as 'Sock and Awe,' have become a popular diversion for various groups of people with far too much time on their hands.

"Justice must be served," said Ali Khan Numormi, a lawyer for al-Zaidi. "What's right is right, and payment for digital performances is preserved for us under all systems of law, including Islamic and U.S. copyright law."

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Toyota To Buy General Motors, Rename Detroit ‘Dirty Old Town By Lake’

Japanese automaker Toyota has made a bid to purchase General Motors for $999.95 and four sets of snow tires, according to a GM source. Under the terms of the planned acquisition, Toyota will gain control of all of GM's manufacturing facilities, its inventory of unsold, fuel-inefficient cars, various commercial real estate parcels, and GM's corporate discount card at Staples. Sources say the deal excludes all of the failed automaker’s liabilities, including bonds, dealer obligations, pension and retiree benefits, and severance payments to its 100,000 plus suddenly jobless union workers. "This is a total win-win for Toyota," one top industry analyst noted.

GM’s bond and equity holders apparently are mixed in their opinions about the deal. "Philosophically, I think wiping out hundreds of thousands of jobs and destroying billions of dollars in equity is a bad idea,” one shareholder said. “But I really like the snow tires.”

Also under discussion are the naming rights for the city of Detroit. Toyota executives are said to favor "Dirty Old Town By Lake," but Detroit city officials are adamantly opposed. "Changing the stationary would cost at least $500," one city insider complained. "We can't even afford to mail a letter, let alone change the letterhead on stationary we don't use." A compromise, "Dying, Scary Industrial Ghost Town," is said to be under discussion.