Obama To Spitzer: Don't Endorse Me, Please

Senator Barack Obama has asked disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer not to endorse his candidacy for President today, tomorrow, or at any point prior to the election. "While I am personally sympathetic to Mr. Spitzer and his domestic difficulties, I hope he will recognize that his endorsement would be, at this point, a burden," Obama said in a statement. "I wish him well, but his formal endorsement would, quite frankly, only distract Americans from our mission of bringing real and needed change to America."

An Obama spokesman said Spitzer is just one of many pubic figures who will be asked not to endorse the Senator in the coming weeks. Disgraced Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, rapper Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and director-producer Judd Aptow will all be encouraged not to offer their public support. "The last thing we need is a good word from Stan O'Neal," the spokesman said. "And after Drillbit Taylor, we wouldn't touch Aptow with a ten-foot pole."

American Samoa Delegate Up For Grabs

Tutuila, American Samoa: This small, unincorporated island territory is ordinarily a relaxed tropical paradise, with warm, sunny days and warm, breezy nights. Lately, however, a bruising, desperate fight has consumed islanders. At stake is the allegiance of the territory's one delegate to the upcoming Democratic National Convention. What makes this battle all the more difficult to decipher is the delegate's honorary, i.e. non-voting, status. "I believe in change," says long-time Governor Togiola Tulafon. "I believe in Obama. He deserves our honorary, untallied vote." Not so, say members of the opposition. "Most islanders want our non-vote to go to Hillary Clinton," says Tulafon Togiola, a long-time political opponent of Governor Tulafon. "If we have no influence on the convention, we want that lack of influence to be for someone who has ignored us for decades, rather than months."