Friday, January 16, 2009

Bush Farewell Speech Interrupts Flight 1549 Coverage

A token farewell speech by President George W. Bush last night forced news networks to temporarily abandon coverage of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, angering many news executives. "The biggest story of the year so far, and right in the middle of it, Bush has to make a speech nobody cares about and nobody wants to listen to," one CNN executive said. "His timing was awful, as usual," the executive continued. "We had two eyewitnesses who either saw the crash or knew somebody who saw the crash or were once in a crash or once knew someone who was in a crash, and we had to keep them in the studio for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for Bush. It was very frustrating."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Burberry Group Shares Sink as Suri Cruise Enters Tomboy Phase

Burberry Group, Ralph Lauren, and other high-fashion companies have watched their stock prices plummet in recent weeks as Suri Cruise has entered what sources describe as an "awkward tomboy phase." "Suri absolutely refuses to wear anything even remotely fashionable," one source said of the two-and-a-half year old glamour tot. "Needless to say, Katie Holmes is horrified."

Another source close to the Cruise clan revealed that Suri's father, Tom, has requested that magazine and newspaper editors photoshop dresses onto Suri in their publications. "Tom knows that a well-dressed Suri keeps him in the news," the source said. "But the secret is bound to get out sooner or later."

London-based Burberry Group shares have been hit particularly hard since Cruise purchases account for roughly 75% of the company's annual revenues. And financial analysts say smaller private retailers, like Bonpoint and Best & Company, are on the brink of bankruptcy due to the Suri factor. "In this economy, they don't stand a chance without Suri," lamented one analyst.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Renee Zellweger Appears Without Nipples At Golden Globes

Can you find Renee Zellweger's nipples in this photo taken at the Golden Globes? Hmm, we didn't think so.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff To Appear in NBC “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition"

Convicted felons O.J. Simpson, Wesley Snipes, Keifer Sutherland, and Tom Sizemore will be joining the cast of NBC’s upcoming show, “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition.” The slate of 16 celebrities with legal troubles will also include performer Kid Rock, tabloid personality Paris Hilton, Joey Buttafuoco, Boy George and Michael Lohan, the father of Lindsay Lohan. Disgraced financier Bernard Madoff, who is soon to be convicted on multiple counts of fraud, is also expected to join the cast. “Life in the Big House can be rough,” says host Donald Trump. “It’s important to know who’s the snitch, where to hide a shank, and how to run a profitable cigarette smuggling operation. We’ll be watching to see who can perform at the highest levels under that kind of pressure.” The hour-long show is expected to join the NBC line up in mid-March.