Saturday, April 4, 2009

Octomom Nadya Suleman's OctoWorld Theme Park And Spa Set To Open In Detroit

Octomom Nadya Suleman may be crazy, but she sure is smart. Suleman has just signed a multi-billion dollar deal to open the first "OctoWorld Theme Park and Spa" in Detroit, Michigan. Spanning the entire city of Detroit, the OctoWorld complex will be of such an enormous scale that Suleman, Detroit government officials, and all of Washington hope it will catapult the struggling city into the No. 1 tourist destination in the country.

Weary parents visiting OctoWorld will be able to drop their children off with unemployed General Motors corporate executives and factory workers for hours of unsupervised fun while they enjoy manicures, pedicures, and complimentary lip-plumpings at the luxurious OctoSpa, which will be adjacent to the OctoWorld park.

Suleman's OctoWorld will feature the world's largest roller coaster and dozens of terrifying rides, such as the "General Motors Drop Zone" -- a free-fall freaker with a death-defying drop very similar to the fall of the automaker's stock price. Younger visitors to the park will enjoy the "Rick Wagoner Dunk Tank," where a direct hit to the GM logo will caused the disgraced GM chairman to take a plunge.

"It's the perfect solution to General Motors' woes," President Barack Obama acknowledged through a spokesperson. "And Sasha and Malia can't wait to go."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Brits Go Mad As Michelle Obama Touches Queen Elizabeth II

First Lady Michelle Obama committed a giant faux pas on the first couple's trip to England when she actually touched Queen Elizabeth II. "That was a major no no," said a source close to the Queen. "We work very hard to maintain our reputation of being drab, sexless, and cold, and hardly anyone touches anyone, let alone the Queen."

The repercussions for Mrs. Obama could be tragic. "We used to put Queen touchers in the stockade," said the source. "But nowadays, we just feed them a typical British meal of boiled meat and leeks -- believe me, it's just as bad."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

First Lady Michelle Obama Takes Baby Bump To The Gym

How do you know when your workout just isn't working out? When the tabs report that you're sporting a baby bump. Just ask First Lady Michelle Obama, who told Oprah Winfrey she's crushed about the pregnancy rumors in the April issue of O Magazine.

"Michelle Obama should cut out the junk and work on her trunk," says fitness guru Ricardo Richards. "She should also take a few lessons from her husband, who is by far the fittest President we've had in some time."

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Caylee Anthony Watch: Nancy Grace To Trademark "Tot Mom" Phrase

CNN personality Nancy Grave has filed to trademark the expression "Tot Mom" as a reference to Casey Anthony, mother of the murdered Caylee Anthony. "Nancy originated the phrase," says a spokesperson for the network. "It is her unique intellectual property. Grace's incessant, endless, grating repetition of the phrase, coupled with her nasal, shrewish, high-pitched whine, has created a distinctive and original phraseology which she is well within her rights to retain and develop as a brand. "

By repeating "Tot Mom" in referring to the Caylee Anthony case as often as every 4 seconds within a 42 minute time period, 5 nights a week, twice every night, Grace has laid the groundwork for the ownership and monetization of a verbal trademark. In-house focus groups have shown because of the jackhammer-like pounding she is inflicting on her viewers with what is otherwise a trite, banal expression, Nancy can and should take steps to protect her intellectual property rights. "By trademarking the phrase, Grace is in line to collect royalaties for usage of the phrase by others, although some observers doubt that possibility. "I wouldn't touch that "Tot Mom" thing with a ten-foot pole," a source said. "It's shorthand for 'I'm a nasty, stupid, rodent- faced idiot with a tv show,' if you ask me. She can have it."

Monday, March 30, 2009

New Reality Show To Decide Next Malawi Adoption For Pop Star, Madonna

Rapidly aging pop star, Madonna, has reportedly partnered with Mark Burnett, co-creator of "Survivor," to produce a reality show which will decide which "lucky" child from Malawi will be her next adoption. Borrowing from the "Survivor" format, the new show will feature a pool of ten female orphans from Malawi who will compete against each other in a series of contests, with the eventual winner becoming Madonna's newest Mini Material Me.

"Some of the contests will be very competitive," according to a source. "Attaching a radio-collar tag to a hungry lion, for example." Others will be more emotion driven, a kind of "cute off", with the most adorable child advancing to the next round, and the least appealing child being sent back to the village and a life of deprivation. "It should be quite an exciting production," the source assured.

The show is scheduled to begin shooting in April for Fall 2009 broadcast.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Octomom Nadya Suleman Gets (Another) Manicure

Octomom Nadya Suleman took some more time off from her child-rearing duties to get yet another manicure, pedicure, lip-plumping, and facial.  No worries that the shameless single mother of 14 is reportedly broke.  Her salon in Whittier, California accepts federally-subsidized food stamps!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Jennifer Aniston Sports New Tattoo of John Mayer

Looks like singer-songwriter, John Mayer, has left a permanent mark on Jennifer Aniston. The woefully needy actress was spotted yesterday leaving the Devil Doll Tattoo parlor in Los Angeles sporting a tattoo of a tattooed Mayer. "Angelina gets a lot of press for her tats, and Jennifer thought a little ink might help her image," a source close to Aniston said. "She's also desperate to have Mayer with her at all times, and this certainly is one way to keep him close." Mayer, whose tattoos include a "77" on the left hand side of his chest, a Koi fish on his right outer shoulder, "SRV" on his left upper arm, Japanese art on his left bicep, "Life" on his right tricep, "Home" on his left tricep, among others, declined to comment on Jen's new artwork.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nancy Grace Takes Caylee Anthony Case To The View

An unusually calm Nancy Grace discusses the Caylee Anthony Case on The View.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Cartier Introduces Gold And Diamond Bernard Madoff Voodoo Doll

Luxury jeweler Cartier has announced plans to introduce a $1500 Limited Edition Bernard Madoff voodoo doll, featuring a lock of the alleged ponzi schemer's hair. "Working with artisanal native craftworkers from Haiti, Cartier will produce an authentic Madoff Voodoo Doll," according to a Cartier press release. "With the exclusive-to-Cartier feature of an actual lock of Mr. Madoff's hair, owners may use the five 24 carat gold pins with diamond accents to stab the doll whenever and wherever they please, as often as they wish, and the pain of the puncture will be transmitted via the black spell of the netherworld directly to Mr. Madoff himself."

Cartier says its initial foray into luxury accessories for witchcraft is in response to overwhelming consumer demand. "Our customers -- many of whom suffered grievous financial injury from Mr. Madoff's actions -- indicated their desire to combine a wish for retribution with beautiful, yet functional, jewelry," a spokeman for Cartier said. Cartier would not disclose how it had obtained locks of Madoff's hair, but noted that each voodoo doll will be accompanied by a certificate of authenticity.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Somewhere Over Kansas George Bush Realizes Obama's Speech Was About Him

It was not until late in the flight that took former President George W. Bush from Washington to Texas that Bush realized newly sworn-in President Barack Obama's inauguration speech was a complete repudiation of his policies, actions, and management style and one which placed the blame for the nation's current state of emergency squarely in the ex-President's lap. Aides to Bush say that in the middle of a card game of Hearts, Bush turned to a traveling companion and asked, in a state of disbelief, "Hey, was Obama saying the mess we're in is because of me?" When the
answer was affirmative, Bush appeared thunderstruck. "Does anybody else think that?," Bush reportedly asked a moment later. When told that more than 80% of Americans agreed with Obama's assessment, Bush became somber and withdrawn, cheering up only when someone raised the prospect of a visit to Bush's favorite Mexican restaurant, Holy Guacamole, a Houston institution. "Nachos!" Bush said. "That's the ticket!"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

CNN's Nancy Grace Renames Twins Caylee And Anthony

In a bid to boost ratings, CNN anchor Nancy Grace reportedly has decided to rename her one-year-old twins Caylee and Anthony in honor of murdered toddler, Caylee Anthony. Grace's infants, who were born prematurely, were originally named Lucy Elizabeth and John David.

"Nancy is dead set on riding the Caylee gravy train to the end. And competition from her rival Jane Velez Mitchell is really making her feel the heat," one CNN insider said.

Grace's nanny, Yrma Gonzalez, reports that the twins don't mind the name change one bit. "They don't even know their names yet," Gonzalez said. "And they're used to hearing Nancy repeat 'Caylee Anthony , Caylee Anthony, Caylee Anthony' day and night anyway."

Victoria Beckham's Breasts Collapse

Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice, suffers a boob collapse in London, Paris, and New York. Husband David postponed his soccer match to oversee the repair work.

Related Stories: Trapped In Hell With Victoria Beckham

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bush Farewell Speech Interrupts Flight 1549 Coverage

A token farewell speech by President George W. Bush last night forced news networks to temporarily abandon coverage of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, angering many news executives. "The biggest story of the year so far, and right in the middle of it, Bush has to make a speech nobody cares about and nobody wants to listen to," one CNN executive said. "His timing was awful, as usual," the executive continued. "We had two eyewitnesses who either saw the crash or knew somebody who saw the crash or were once in a crash or once knew someone who was in a crash, and we had to keep them in the studio for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for Bush. It was very frustrating."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Burberry Group Shares Sink as Suri Cruise Enters Tomboy Phase

Burberry Group, Ralph Lauren, and other high-fashion companies have watched their stock prices plummet in recent weeks as Suri Cruise has entered what sources describe as an "awkward tomboy phase." "Suri absolutely refuses to wear anything even remotely fashionable," one source said of the two-and-a-half year old glamour tot. "Needless to say, Katie Holmes is horrified."

Another source close to the Cruise clan revealed that Suri's father, Tom, has requested that magazine and newspaper editors photoshop dresses onto Suri in their publications. "Tom knows that a well-dressed Suri keeps him in the news," the source said. "But the secret is bound to get out sooner or later."

London-based Burberry Group shares have been hit particularly hard since Cruise purchases account for roughly 75% of the company's annual revenues. And financial analysts say smaller private retailers, like Bonpoint and Best & Company, are on the brink of bankruptcy due to the Suri factor. "In this economy, they don't stand a chance without Suri," lamented one analyst.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Renee Zellweger Appears Without Nipples At Golden Globes

Can you find Renee Zellweger's nipples in this photo taken at the Golden Globes? Hmm, we didn't think so.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff To Appear in NBC “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition"

Convicted felons O.J. Simpson, Wesley Snipes, Keifer Sutherland, and Tom Sizemore will be joining the cast of NBC’s upcoming show, “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition.” The slate of 16 celebrities with legal troubles will also include performer Kid Rock, tabloid personality Paris Hilton, Joey Buttafuoco, Boy George and Michael Lohan, the father of Lindsay Lohan. Disgraced financier Bernard Madoff, who is soon to be convicted on multiple counts of fraud, is also expected to join the cast. “Life in the Big House can be rough,” says host Donald Trump. “It’s important to know who’s the snitch, where to hide a shank, and how to run a profitable cigarette smuggling operation. We’ll be watching to see who can perform at the highest levels under that kind of pressure.” The hour-long show is expected to join the NBC line up in mid-March.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

French Officials Say 'Non' To Ambassador Anna Wintour

French government officials reacted with horror and shocked disbelief to a published report that Vogue Editor-in-Chieff Anna Wintour was being considered as Barack Obama’s U.S. Ambassador to France. "Non, non, non," said one French official. “C’est une peau de vache.!” [Roughly translated: No, no, no… She’s a bitch!.] While it is highly unusual that a host country should insert itself in the process of choosing an ambassador, French officials apparently are convinced that the choice of Wintour merits a pre-emptive strike, fearing that the legendarily cryptic, even inscrutable style of intimidating micro-management Wintour is known for will leave them floundering at the negotiating table. One top official suggested that Wintour's theoretical ambassadorship be re-assigned. "Put her up against Kim Jong-il,” he said, referring to the leader of North Korea. "Now there's a match made in heaven."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Obama's Half-Sister, Cousins, Neighbors To Move Into The White House

It's official!! President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, won't be the only one moving into the White House in the coming months. Obama reportedly also has invited his half-sister, Maya Setoro-Ng, "cousin" Raila Odinga, cousin-in-law Rabbi Capers Funnye, and three former neighbors from Chicago to join him at his new D.C. diggs, according to an Obama spokeswoman.

"Let's face it: Americans at all income levels need to tighten their belts in this economy," the spokeswoman said. "Obama thinks 'co-housing' may be the wave of the future, and the White House is a very big place." She decined to comment on rumors that Obama's personal trainer and former garbage man might join the family at a later date.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Madonna Rushes Lourdes Leon To Emergency Eyebrow Waxing

Pop singer Madonna abruptly canceled her concert tour and returned to London when her daughter Lourdes Leon was rushed to an emergency appointment at an eyebrow waxing clinic. "Madonna became absolutely frantic," a source close to the middle-aged songstress said. "With all of the fuss about the divorce from Guy, Madonna more or less forgot that Lourdes needed a twice-weekly wax. Then, when she saw a picture of Lourdes that was printed in a UK newspaper, Madonna freaked and ordered staff to schedule an emergency waxing. It was almost too late--the poor girl's vision was almost totally obscured by the unrestrained growth of her eyebrow hair. It was quite nearly a tragedy." Sources say the girl is resting comfortably after the procedure.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Caroline Bouvier Kennedy Puts The "You" In You Know

Oh, that Caroline Kennedy... Though she refuses to provide basic data about her finances, she expects Gov. David Paterson to appoint her to succeed Hillary Clinton in the Senate. And she has absolutely no experience. Oh yeah, and her favorite word is "you know."

Monday, January 5, 2009

CNN Ousts Nancy Grace; Caylee Anthony Show To Air Immediately

CNN Headlines News executives have decided to rename host Nancy Grace's hour-long program "The Caylee Anthony Show, Featuring Nancy Grace." The change is effective immediately. "At this point, Nancy more or less has Caylee's name tattooed across her forehead," a network source said. "We're extending the brand. If you watch the program, Nancy says 'Caylee' about once every 10 seconds. Our proprietary research indicates that if we accelerate that rate, we'll improve ratings dramatically. What we're aiming for is to have Nancy Grace staring at the camera and demanding in a high-pitched, grating shriek, 'Where is Caylee Anthony?' or some variation thereof about once every 6 seconds for a full hour, five nights a week. We see a franchise in this." Grace could not be reached for comment.