Toyota To Buy General Motors, Rename Detroit ‘Dirty Old Town By Lake’

Japanese automaker Toyota has made a bid to purchase General Motors for $999.95 and four sets of snow tires, according to a GM source. Under the terms of the planned acquisition, Toyota will gain control of all of GM's manufacturing facilities, its inventory of unsold, fuel-inefficient cars, various commercial real estate parcels, and GM's corporate discount card at Staples. Sources say the deal excludes all of the failed automaker’s liabilities, including bonds, dealer obligations, pension and retiree benefits, and severance payments to its 100,000 plus suddenly jobless union workers. "This is a total win-win for Toyota," one top industry analyst noted.

GM’s bond and equity holders apparently are mixed in their opinions about the deal. "Philosophically, I think wiping out hundreds of thousands of jobs and destroying billions of dollars in equity is a bad idea,” one shareholder said. “But I really like the snow tires.”

Also under discussion are the naming rights for the city of Detroit. Toyota executives are said to favor "Dirty Old Town By Lake," but Detroit city officials are adamantly opposed. "Changing the stationary would cost at least $500," one city insider complained. "We can't even afford to mail a letter, let alone change the letterhead on stationary we don't use." A compromise, "Dying, Scary Industrial Ghost Town," is said to be under discussion.