Bush Pardons One Turkey At The White House, Slaughters Another At Camp David

That President Bush is one sneaky guy. After performing the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony, the soon-to-be dethroned President cheerfully shared his Thanksgiving menu at Camp David. A vegan feast complete with tofu turkey? Absolutely not! The Bush family will be dining on free-range roast turkey, whipped maple sweet potatoes (it's still unclear who does the whipping), giblet gravy, and pumpkin pie with whipped topping (yet another whipping), among other items. A spokesman for the President declined to comment on the hypocrisy of it all.

Hugh Hefner Dumps Twins For Triplets

Rapidly aging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner has dumped his 19-year-old twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon, and replaced them with triplets, a Hefner source confirmed this morning. "Those twins were just too much trouble," the source said. "Hugh likes it a little rough, but aggravated assault is just not his thing."

The new triplets, who will move into the Playboy Mansion on Thanksgiving day, have crystal clean records, nice breasts, and pleasant attitudes, according to the source. "Hugh is hoping that three's the charm," she said.

Obama Sneeze Video Rockets To The Top of You Tube

We're still trying to figure out why this video of President-elect Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter has garnered so many You Tube votes...

Tiger Woods Scores New Endorsement Deal With Depend

Just moments after ending his $7 million-a-year endorsement contract with struggling automaker General Motors, golfing legend Tiger Woods has picked up a new contract with adult diaper maker, Depend. "The urinary incontinence market is very attractive to Tiger," a spokesman for the golfer said. "It's a good fit with golfing demographics, and most importantly, 100% recession-proof." The spokesman declined to comment on terms of the deal.

Cindy McCain Misses Botox Appointment, Terrifies School Children

Cindy McCain, wife of failed Presidential candidate John McCain, terrified a group of elementary school students yesterday after missing an appointment at a plastic surgery clinic for her daily injection of botox.

Mrs. McCain was scheduled to appear at the John Birch Elementary School as part of an "Our Government Day" celebration. When she walked into one classroom, student cheers quickly changed to screams of alarm and terror. "Mrs. McCain had a unusual appearance," one teacher said. "She looked like a Barbie doll that had been shoved into a blast furnace --all crinkly and cratered."

Have tumbling stock prices forced the McCains to reduce the family botox budget? "Not at all," a McCain spokeswoman said. "They're trimming other expenses, but definately not the botox. Apparently, Cindy missed the appointment simply because she got stuck in traffic."