Friday, December 12, 2008

Miley Cyrus Settles For Used Porsche

Like many other teens who are suffering in these troubled economic times, pop sensation Miley Cyrus received just a hand-me-down for her sweet 16th. The charmingly unspoiled teen, who had wanted a Mercedes, got her mom's used Porsche Cayenne instead. Miley's mom, Tish, told reporters: "We're not really loving our children when we give into their every wish, especially if it means putting ourselves as parents aside." What exactly did Tish replace her Porsche with? A $455,500 Mercedes SLR McLaren, but of course.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Golfer John Daly Smashes Camera After Unflattering Chin Shot

Hideously overweight golfer, John Daly, smashed the camera of a spectator who was trying to get a close-up of his double chin at the Australian Open on Thursday. The spectator, Brad Clegg, said he had managed to get his camera about six inches from Daly's face when the golfer grabbed it and smashed it against a tree. Clegg, who was taking the shot for an inspirational weight-loss calandar, was not injured in the incident. "I guess Daly is a little sensitive about all that subcutaneous fat around his neck," Clegg said. "But, then again, who wouldn't be."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Illinois Governor Arrested For Attempt To Swap Senate Seat For New Toupee

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on charges that he conspired to trade Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat for a new custom toupee.

According to a 76-page FBI affidavit, court-authorized wiretaps revealed that Blagojevich wanted to replace his ill-fitting synthetic toupee with a custom-made real hair one. "The real ones cost major bucks," noted a source close to Blagojevich. "Rod was willing to risk it all, but apparently both he and his wife, Patti, really thought it was worth it."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Sarkosy Invites Obama To Smoke Cigarettes In Paris

In a bold gesture to improve Franco-American relations, French President Nicolas Sarkosy telephoned President-elect Barack Obama early this morning and invited him "to smoke his cigarettes at the Élysée Palace anytime," sources said.

After hanging up on Sarkosy twice, Obama had a warm and lengthy conversation with the French cigar aficionado. "From now on, I will stock Marlboros in my humidor for you, though you really should try our Gitanes," Sarkosy told Obama.

Sarkosy also congratulated Obama for his honesty in an interview with Tom Brokaw Sunday night during which Obama admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and continued to secretly enjoy his smokes. "We French value honesty above all in American leaders," Sarkosy said.

In one tense moment, the French President chided Obama for his choice of former First Lady Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State since she was the instigator of the White House no-smoking rule. "Elle me fiche le cafard!" (literally translated: she gives me the cockroach). Obama replied that he planned to lift the ban immediately following his inauguration. "With the economy like it is, the gum just isn't going to work," Obama told Sarkosy.