Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."