Octomom Nadya Suleman's OctoWorld Theme Park And Spa Set To Open In Detroit

Octomom Nadya Suleman may be crazy, but she sure is smart. Suleman has just signed a multi-billion dollar deal to open the first "OctoWorld Theme Park and Spa" in Detroit, Michigan. Spanning the entire city of Detroit, the OctoWorld complex will be of such an enormous scale that Suleman, Detroit government officials, and all of Washington hope it will catapult the struggling city into the No. 1 tourist destination in the country.

Weary parents visiting OctoWorld will be able to drop their children off with unemployed General Motors corporate executives and factory workers for hours of unsupervised fun while they enjoy manicures, pedicures, and complimentary lip-plumpings at the luxurious OctoSpa, which will be adjacent to the OctoWorld park.

Suleman's OctoWorld will feature the world's largest roller coaster and dozens of terrifying rides, such as the "General Motors Drop Zone" -- a free-fall freaker with a death-defying drop very similar to the fall of the automaker's stock price. Younger visitors to the park will enjoy the "Rick Wagoner Dunk Tank," where a direct hit to the GM logo will caused the disgraced GM chairman to take a plunge.

"It's the perfect solution to General Motors' woes," President Barack Obama acknowledged through a spokesperson. "And Sasha and Malia can't wait to go."

Brits Go Mad As Michelle Obama Touches Queen Elizabeth II

First Lady Michelle Obama committed a giant faux pas on the first couple's trip to England when she actually touched Queen Elizabeth II. "That was a major no no," said a source close to the Queen. "We work very hard to maintain our reputation of being drab, sexless, and cold, and hardly anyone touches anyone, let alone the Queen."

The repercussions for Mrs. Obama could be tragic. "We used to put Queen touchers in the stockade," said the source. "But nowadays, we just feed them a typical British meal of boiled meat and leeks -- believe me, it's just as bad."

First Lady Michelle Obama Takes Baby Bump To The Gym

How do you know when your workout just isn't working out? When the tabs report that you're sporting a baby bump. Just ask First Lady Michelle Obama, who told Oprah Winfrey she's crushed about the pregnancy rumors in the April issue of O Magazine.

"Michelle Obama should cut out the junk and work on her trunk," says fitness guru Ricardo Richards. "She should also take a few lessons from her husband, who is by far the fittest President we've had in some time."

Somewhere Over Kansas George Bush Realizes Obama's Speech Was About Him

It was not until late in the flight that took former President George W. Bush from Washington to Texas that Bush realized newly sworn-in President Barack Obama's inauguration speech was a complete repudiation of his policies, actions, and management style and one which placed the blame for the nation's current state of emergency squarely in the ex-President's lap. Aides to Bush say that in the middle of a card game of Hearts, Bush turned to a traveling companion and asked, in a state of disbelief, "Hey, was Obama saying the mess we're in is because of me?" When the
answer was affirmative, Bush appeared thunderstruck. "Does anybody else think that?," Bush reportedly asked a moment later. When told that more than 80% of Americans agreed with Obama's assessment, Bush became somber and withdrawn, cheering up only when someone raised the prospect of a visit to Bush's favorite Mexican restaurant, Holy Guacamole, a Houston institution. "Nachos!" Bush said. "That's the ticket!"

Bush Farewell Speech Interrupts Flight 1549 Coverage

A token farewell speech by President George W. Bush last night forced news networks to temporarily abandon coverage of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, angering many news executives. "The biggest story of the year so far, and right in the middle of it, Bush has to make a speech nobody cares about and nobody wants to listen to," one CNN executive said. "His timing was awful, as usual," the executive continued. "We had two eyewitnesses who either saw the crash or knew somebody who saw the crash or were once in a crash or once knew someone who was in a crash, and we had to keep them in the studio for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for Bush. It was very frustrating."

French Officials Say 'Non' To Ambassador Anna Wintour

French government officials reacted with horror and shocked disbelief to a published report that Vogue Editor-in-Chieff Anna Wintour was being considered as Barack Obama’s U.S. Ambassador to France. "Non, non, non," said one French official. “C’est une peau de vache.!” [Roughly translated: No, no, no… She’s a bitch!.] While it is highly unusual that a host country should insert itself in the process of choosing an ambassador, French officials apparently are convinced that the choice of Wintour merits a pre-emptive strike, fearing that the legendarily cryptic, even inscrutable style of intimidating micro-management Wintour is known for will leave them floundering at the negotiating table. One top official suggested that Wintour's theoretical ambassadorship be re-assigned. "Put her up against Kim Jong-il,” he said, referring to the leader of North Korea. "Now there's a match made in heaven."

Obama's Half-Sister, Cousins, Neighbors To Move Into The White House

It's official!! President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, won't be the only one moving into the White House in the coming months. Obama reportedly also has invited his half-sister, Maya Setoro-Ng, "cousin" Raila Odinga, cousin-in-law Rabbi Capers Funnye, and three former neighbors from Chicago to join him at his new D.C. diggs, according to an Obama spokeswoman.

"Let's face it: Americans at all income levels need to tighten their belts in this economy," the spokeswoman said. "Obama thinks 'co-housing' may be the wave of the future, and the White House is a very big place." She decined to comment on rumors that Obama's personal trainer and former garbage man might join the family at a later date.

Caroline Bouvier Kennedy Puts The "You" In You Know

Oh, that Caroline Kennedy... Though she refuses to provide basic data about her finances, she expects Gov. David Paterson to appoint her to succeed Hillary Clinton in the Senate. And she has absolutely no experience. Oh yeah, and her favorite word is "you know."

Schwarzenegger Orders eBay Auction of Hollywood Sign

Facing a depleted Treasury, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today authorized a sweeping fund raising effort that includes such measures as auctioning on eBay the individual letters of the fabled "Hollywood" sign in Los Angeles, selling the naming rights to the Golden Gate Bridge, and affixing advertising to roads signs on state highways. "It's a fantastic opportunity," said the Governor of the plan to sell the 50-foot high letters of the landmark sign in the Hollywood hills. "Owning a piece of Hollywood history like this is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime."

Officials said that under the terms of the auction, each letter would be owned individually, with restrictions on movement. "A person could receive legal title to the letter," one source said. "But they can't move it. Or paint it. Or actually do anything to it. It's kind of an ego thing, actually."

Plans for selling the naming rights for other state structures, such as the Golden Gate Bridge, are also in motion. "We envision stadium names, like the Intel Golden Gate Bridge, or the Denny's Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Golden Gate Bridge." Highway signs are also included. In one example, an exit sign for the 405 freeway would be known as the Long John Silver Exit 27 Upland/ Cienega. "We have to be creative, " Schwarzenegger said. "Raising taxes is not the answer. The Toyota Highlander Presents Leo Carillo Beach State Park is."

Iraqi Shoe Thrower, Muntazer al-Zaidi, Demands Royalties From Video Games

Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, has demanded a share of the royalties from the viral video games that have popped up on the Internet. The games, such as 'Sock and Awe,' have become a popular diversion for various groups of people with far too much time on their hands.

"Justice must be served," said Ali Khan Numormi, a lawyer for al-Zaidi. "What's right is right, and payment for digital performances is preserved for us under all systems of law, including Islamic and U.S. copyright law."

Illinois Governor Arrested For Attempt To Swap Senate Seat For New Toupee

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on charges that he conspired to trade Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat for a new custom toupee.

According to a 76-page FBI affidavit, court-authorized wiretaps revealed that Blagojevich wanted to replace his ill-fitting synthetic toupee with a custom-made real hair one. "The real ones cost major bucks," noted a source close to Blagojevich. "Rod was willing to risk it all, but apparently both he and his wife, Patti, really thought it was worth it."

Sarkosy Invites Obama To Smoke Cigarettes In Paris

In a bold gesture to improve Franco-American relations, French President Nicolas Sarkosy telephoned President-elect Barack Obama early this morning and invited him "to smoke his cigarettes at the Élysée Palace anytime," sources said.

After hanging up on Sarkosy twice, Obama had a warm and lengthy conversation with the French cigar aficionado. "From now on, I will stock Marlboros in my humidor for you, though you really should try our Gitanes," Sarkosy told Obama.

Sarkosy also congratulated Obama for his honesty in an interview with Tom Brokaw Sunday night during which Obama admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and continued to secretly enjoy his smokes. "We French value honesty above all in American leaders," Sarkosy said.

In one tense moment, the French President chided Obama for his choice of former First Lady Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State since she was the instigator of the White House no-smoking rule. "Elle me fiche le cafard!" (literally translated: she gives me the cockroach). Obama replied that he planned to lift the ban immediately following his inauguration. "With the economy like it is, the gum just isn't going to work," Obama told Sarkosy.

General Motors CEO Offers Congress First-Born Granddaughter For Aid

Will Congress accept blood money for a bailout? General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner is counting on it. In a startling attempt to one-up rival Ford CEO Alan Mulally, Wagoner reportedly has offered Congress his first-born granddaughter in exchange for a bailout of his struggling auto company. Mulally earlier had made a lesser vow to work for an annual salary of $1 in exhange for government help. A source close to Wagoner's family said sons W. Matthew Wagoner, Scott Kaylor Wagoner, and George Richard Wagoner III, are in complete support of their father's generous gesture. Which son will lose a child has yet to be determined, the source said.

Bush Pardons One Turkey At The White House, Slaughters Another At Camp David

That President Bush is one sneaky guy. After performing the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony, the soon-to-be dethroned President cheerfully shared his Thanksgiving menu at Camp David. A vegan feast complete with tofu turkey? Absolutely not! The Bush family will be dining on free-range roast turkey, whipped maple sweet potatoes (it's still unclear who does the whipping), giblet gravy, and pumpkin pie with whipped topping (yet another whipping), among other items. A spokesman for the President declined to comment on the hypocrisy of it all.

Obama Sneeze Video Rockets To The Top of You Tube

We're still trying to figure out why this video of President-elect Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter has garnered so many You Tube votes...

Cindy McCain Misses Botox Appointment, Terrifies School Children

Cindy McCain, wife of failed Presidential candidate John McCain, terrified a group of elementary school students yesterday after missing an appointment at a plastic surgery clinic for her daily injection of botox.

Mrs. McCain was scheduled to appear at the John Birch Elementary School as part of an "Our Government Day" celebration. When she walked into one classroom, student cheers quickly changed to screams of alarm and terror. "Mrs. McCain had a unusual appearance," one teacher said. "She looked like a Barbie doll that had been shoved into a blast furnace --all crinkly and cratered."

Have tumbling stock prices forced the McCains to reduce the family botox budget? "Not at all," a McCain spokeswoman said. "They're trimming other expenses, but definately not the botox. Apparently, Cindy missed the appointment simply because she got stuck in traffic."

Clinton Rejects Proposal To Play Laser Tag As Deciding Campaign Event

After several days of intense internal debate, Hillary Clinton's campaign managers have rejected an overture from their counterparts in Barack Obama's camp to stage a game of arena laser tag as the deciding campaign event, insiders said today. The plan, first floated by Obama Campaign Manger David Plouffe, would have had Clinton and Obama squaring off in a winner-take-all match, with the loser dropping out of the Presidential race.

Sources said the idea was seriously considered by both sides. "We do indeed want to show that Hillary is strong on national defense," a spokeswoman for Clinton said. "Laser tag, with its quasi-military elements, fits that purpose. We felt Hillary was nimble enough, fit enough, and determined enough to compete and win a typical arena laser tag game. She's really good at creeping around corners and turning up unexpectedly. I mean, she's been married to Bill for a long, long time."

The Obama camp had their reasons for playing, too. "We're sure that Obama could outlast Hillary," an Obama insider said. "He's younger, stronger, and he's played laser tag many times before with his kids."

Negotiations reportedly broke down over the size of the laser tag facility, the number of hits required for victory, and the equipment. "They wanted the Positronic 2000 system, which isn't very gin." Both sides say they still may revisit the issue, as they much prefer the prospect of a spirited game of laser tag to a long, grinding, and static campaignood over 20 yards," the Clinton spokeswoman said of the Obama camp. "If we couldn't get the Laseroid 12-KU system, which is accurate up to 40 yards, we weren't going in."

Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaing Theme Song

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."