Somewhere Over Kansas George Bush Realizes Obama's Speech Was About Him

It was not until late in the flight that took former President George W. Bush from Washington to Texas that Bush realized newly sworn-in President Barack Obama's inauguration speech was a complete repudiation of his policies, actions, and management style and one which placed the blame for the nation's current state of emergency squarely in the ex-President's lap. Aides to Bush say that in the middle of a card game of Hearts, Bush turned to a traveling companion and asked, in a state of disbelief, "Hey, was Obama saying the mess we're in is because of me?" When the
answer was affirmative, Bush appeared thunderstruck. "Does anybody else think that?," Bush reportedly asked a moment later. When told that more than 80% of Americans agreed with Obama's assessment, Bush became somber and withdrawn, cheering up only when someone raised the prospect of a visit to Bush's favorite Mexican restaurant, Holy Guacamole, a Houston institution. "Nachos!" Bush said. "That's the ticket!"

CNN's Nancy Grace Renames Twins Caylee And Anthony

In a bid to boost ratings, CNN anchor Nancy Grace reportedly has decided to rename her one-year-old twins Caylee and Anthony in honor of murdered toddler, Caylee Anthony. Grace's infants, who were born prematurely, were originally named Lucy Elizabeth and John David.

"Nancy is dead set on riding the Caylee gravy train to the end. And competition from her rival Jane Velez Mitchell is really making her feel the heat," one CNN insider said.

Grace's nanny, Yrma Gonzalez, reports that the twins don't mind the name change one bit. "They don't even know their names yet," Gonzalez said. "And they're used to hearing Nancy repeat 'Caylee Anthony , Caylee Anthony, Caylee Anthony' day and night anyway."

Victoria Beckham's Breasts Collapse

Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice, suffers a boob collapse in London, Paris, and New York. Husband David postponed his soccer match to oversee the repair work.

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Bush Farewell Speech Interrupts Flight 1549 Coverage

A token farewell speech by President George W. Bush last night forced news networks to temporarily abandon coverage of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, angering many news executives. "The biggest story of the year so far, and right in the middle of it, Bush has to make a speech nobody cares about and nobody wants to listen to," one CNN executive said. "His timing was awful, as usual," the executive continued. "We had two eyewitnesses who either saw the crash or knew somebody who saw the crash or were once in a crash or once knew someone who was in a crash, and we had to keep them in the studio for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for Bush. It was very frustrating."

Burberry Group Shares Sink as Suri Cruise Enters Tomboy Phase

Burberry Group, Ralph Lauren, and other high-fashion companies have watched their stock prices plummet in recent weeks as Suri Cruise has entered what sources describe as an "awkward tomboy phase." "Suri absolutely refuses to wear anything even remotely fashionable," one source said of the two-and-a-half year old glamour tot. "Needless to say, Katie Holmes is horrified."

Another source close to the Cruise clan revealed that Suri's father, Tom, has requested that magazine and newspaper editors photoshop dresses onto Suri in their publications. "Tom knows that a well-dressed Suri keeps him in the news," the source said. "But the secret is bound to get out sooner or later."

London-based Burberry Group shares have been hit particularly hard since Cruise purchases account for roughly 75% of the company's annual revenues. And financial analysts say smaller private retailers, like Bonpoint and Best & Company, are on the brink of bankruptcy due to the Suri factor. "In this economy, they don't stand a chance without Suri," lamented one analyst.