The Insanitizer

Octomom Nadya Suleman's OctoWorld Theme Park And Spa Set To Open In Detroit

2009-04-04T05:51:00.003-04:00

Octomom Nadya Suleman may be crazy, but she sure is smart. Suleman has just signed a multi-billion dollar deal to open the first "OctoWorld Theme Park and Spa" in Detroit, Michigan. Spanning the entire city of Detroit, the OctoWorld complex will be of such an enormous scale that Suleman, Detroit government officials, and all of Washington hope it will catapult the struggling city into the No. 1 tourist destination in the country.

Weary parents visiting OctoWorld will be able to drop their children off with unemployed General Motors corporate executives and factory workers for hours of unsupervised fun while they enjoy manicures, pedicures, and complimentary lip-plumpings at the luxurious OctoSpa, which will be adjacent to the OctoWorld park.

Suleman's OctoWorld will feature the world's largest roller coaster and dozens of terrifying rides, such as the "General Motors Drop Zone" -- a free-fall freaker with a death-defying drop very similar to the fall of the automaker's stock price. Younger visitors to the park will enjoy the "Rick Wagoner Dunk Tank," where a direct hit to the GM logo will caused the disgraced GM chairman to take a plunge.

"It's the perfect solution to General Motors' woes," President Barack Obama acknowledged through a spokesperson. "And Sasha and Malia can't wait to go."

Brits Go Mad As Michelle Obama Touches Queen Elizabeth II

2009-04-02T14:34:00.003-04:00

First Lady Michelle Obama committed a giant faux pas on the first couple's trip to England when she actually touched Queen Elizabeth II. "That was a major no no," said a source close to the Queen. "We work very hard to maintain our reputation of being drab, sexless, and cold, and hardly anyone touches anyone, let alone the Queen."

The repercussions for Mrs. Obama could be tragic. "We used to put Queen touchers in the stockade," said the source. "But nowadays, we just feed them a typical British meal of boiled meat and leeks -- believe me, it's just as bad."

First Lady Michelle Obama Takes Baby Bump To The Gym

2009-04-01T09:02:00.007-04:00

How do you know when your workout just isn't working out? When the tabs report that you're sporting a baby bump. Just ask First Lady Michelle Obama, who told Oprah Winfrey she's crushed about the pregnancy rumors in the April issue of O Magazine.

"Michelle Obama should cut out the junk and work on her trunk," says fitness guru Ricardo Richards. "She should also take a few lessons from her husband, who is by far the fittest President we've had in some time."

Caylee Anthony Watch: Nancy Grace To Trademark "Tot Mom" Phrase

2009-03-31T14:54:00.004-04:00

CNN personality Nancy Grave has filed to trademark the expression "Tot Mom" as a reference to Casey Anthony, mother of the murdered Caylee Anthony. "Nancy originated the phrase," says a spokesperson for the network. "It is her unique intellectual property. Grace's incessant, endless, grating repetition of the phrase, coupled with her nasal, shrewish, high-pitched whine, has created a distinctive and original phraseology which she is well within her rights to retain and develop as a brand. "

By repeating "Tot Mom" in referring to the Caylee Anthony case as often as every 4 seconds within a 42 minute time period, 5 nights a week, twice every night, Grace has laid the groundwork for the ownership and monetization of a verbal trademark. In-house focus groups have shown because of the jackhammer-like pounding she is inflicting on her viewers with what is otherwise a trite, banal expression, Nancy can and should take steps to protect her intellectual property rights. "By trademarking the phrase, Grace is in line to collect royalaties for usage of the phrase by others, although some observers doubt that possibility. "I wouldn't touch that "Tot Mom" thing with a ten-foot pole," a source said. "It's shorthand for 'I'm a nasty, stupid, rodent- faced idiot with a tv show,' if you ask me. She can have it."

New Reality Show To Decide Next Malawi Adoption For Pop Star, Madonna

2009-03-30T10:39:00.005-04:00

Rapidly aging pop star, Madonna, has reportedly partnered with Mark Burnett, co-creator of "Survivor," to produce a reality show which will decide which "lucky" child from Malawi will be her next adoption. Borrowing from the "Survivor" format, the new show will feature a pool of ten female orphans from Malawi who will compete against each other in a series of contests, with the eventual winner becoming Madonna's newest Mini Material Me.

"Some of the contests will be very competitive," according to a source. "Attaching a radio-collar tag to a hungry lion, for example." Others will be more emotion driven, a kind of "cute off", with the most adorable child advancing to the next round, and the least appealing child being sent back to the village and a life of deprivation. "It should be quite an exciting production," the source assured.

The show is scheduled to begin shooting in April for Fall 2009 broadcast.

Octomom Nadya Suleman Gets (Another) Manicure

2009-03-15T20:57:00.006-04:00

Octomom Nadya Suleman took some more time off from her child-rearing duties to get yet another manicure, pedicure, lip-plumping, and facial. No worries that the shameless single mother of 14 is reportedly broke. Her salon in Whittier, California accepts federally-subsidized food stamps!

Jennifer Aniston Sports New Tattoo of John Mayer

2009-02-14T18:33:00.004-05:00

Looks like singer-songwriter, John Mayer, has left a permanent mark on Jennifer Aniston. The woefully needy actress was spotted yesterday leaving the Devil Doll Tattoo parlor in Los Angeles sporting a tattoo of a tattooed Mayer. "Angelina gets a lot of press for her tats, and Jennifer thought a little ink might help her image," a source close to Aniston said. "She's also desperate to have Mayer with her at all times, and this certainly is one way to keep him close." Mayer, whose tattoos include a "77" on the left hand side of his chest, a Koi fish on his right outer shoulder, "SRV" on his left upper arm, Japanese art on his left bicep, "Life" on his right tricep, "Home" on his left tricep, among others, declined to comment on Jen's new artwork.

Nancy Grace Takes Caylee Anthony Case To The View

2009-01-28T09:36:00.001-05:00

An unusually calm Nancy Grace discusses the Caylee Anthony Case on The View.

Cartier Introduces Gold And Diamond Bernard Madoff Voodoo Doll

2009-01-25T07:39:00.008-05:00

Luxury jeweler Cartier has announced plans to introduce a $1500 Limited Edition Bernard Madoff voodoo doll, featuring a lock of the alleged ponzi schemer's hair. "Working with artisanal native craftworkers from Haiti, Cartier will produce an authentic Madoff Voodoo Doll," according to a Cartier press release. "With the exclusive-to-Cartier feature of an actual lock of Mr. Madoff's hair, owners may use the five 24 carat gold pins with diamond accents to stab the doll whenever and wherever they please, as often as they wish, and the pain of the puncture will be transmitted via the black spell of the netherworld directly to Mr. Madoff himself."

Cartier says its initial foray into luxury accessories for witchcraft is in response to overwhelming consumer demand. "Our customers -- many of whom suffered grievous financial injury from Mr. Madoff's actions -- indicated their desire to combine a wish for retribution with beautiful, yet functional, jewelry," a spokeman for Cartier said. Cartier would not disclose how it had obtained locks of Madoff's hair, but noted that each voodoo doll will be accompanied by a certificate of authenticity.

Somewhere Over Kansas George Bush Realizes Obama's Speech Was About Him

2009-01-21T14:55:00.009-05:00

It was not until late in the flight that took former President George W. Bush from Washington to Texas that Bush realized newly sworn-in President Barack Obama's inauguration speech was a complete repudiation of his policies, actions, and management style and one which placed the blame for the nation's current state of emergency squarely in the ex-President's lap. Aides to Bush say that in the middle of a card game of Hearts, Bush turned to a traveling companion and asked, in a state of disbelief, "Hey, was Obama saying the mess we're in is because of me?" When the
answer was affirmative, Bush appeared thunderstruck. "Does anybody else think that?," Bush reportedly asked a moment later. When told that more than 80% of Americans agreed with Obama's assessment, Bush became somber and withdrawn, cheering up only when someone raised the prospect of a visit to Bush's favorite Mexican restaurant, Holy Guacamole, a Houston institution. "Nachos!" Bush said. "That's the ticket!"

CNN's Nancy Grace Renames Twins Caylee And Anthony

2009-01-18T20:53:00.007-05:00

In a bid to boost ratings, CNN anchor Nancy Grace reportedly has decided to rename her one-year-old twins Caylee and Anthony in honor of murdered toddler, Caylee Anthony. Grace's infants, who were born prematurely, were originally named Lucy Elizabeth and John David.

"Nancy is dead set on riding the Caylee gravy train to the end. And competition from her rival Jane Velez Mitchell is really making her feel the heat," one CNN insider said.

Grace's nanny, Yrma Gonzalez, reports that the twins don't mind the name change one bit. "They don't even know their names yet," Gonzalez said. "And they're used to hearing Nancy repeat 'Caylee Anthony , Caylee Anthony, Caylee Anthony' day and night anyway."

Victoria Beckham's Breasts Collapse

2009-01-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice, suffers a boob collapse in London, Paris, and New York. Husband David postponed his soccer match to oversee the repair work.

Related Stories: Trapped In Hell With Victoria Beckham

Bush Farewell Speech Interrupts Flight 1549 Coverage

2009-01-16T11:39:00.005-05:00

A token farewell speech by President George W. Bush last night forced news networks to temporarily abandon coverage of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 in New York's Hudson River, angering many news executives. "The biggest story of the year so far, and right in the middle of it, Bush has to make a speech nobody cares about and nobody wants to listen to," one CNN executive said. "His timing was awful, as usual," the executive continued. "We had two eyewitnesses who either saw the crash or knew somebody who saw the crash or were once in a crash or once knew someone who was in a crash, and we had to keep them in the studio for an extra twenty minutes, waiting for Bush. It was very frustrating."

Burberry Group Shares Sink as Suri Cruise Enters Tomboy Phase

2009-01-15T14:33:00.002-05:00

Burberry Group, Ralph Lauren, and other high-fashion companies have watched their stock prices plummet in recent weeks as Suri Cruise has entered what sources describe as an "awkward tomboy phase." "Suri absolutely refuses to wear anything even remotely fashionable," one source said of the two-and-a-half year old glamour tot. "Needless to say, Katie Holmes is horrified."

Another source close to the Cruise clan revealed that Suri's father, Tom, has requested that magazine and newspaper editors photoshop dresses onto Suri in their publications. "Tom knows that a well-dressed Suri keeps him in the news," the source said. "But the secret is bound to get out sooner or later."

London-based Burberry Group shares have been hit particularly hard since Cruise purchases account for roughly 75% of the company's annual revenues. And financial analysts say smaller private retailers, like Bonpoint and Best & Company, are on the brink of bankruptcy due to the Suri factor. "In this economy, they don't stand a chance without Suri," lamented one analyst.

Renee Zellweger Appears Without Nipples At Golden Globes

2009-01-12T14:08:00.005-05:00

Can you find Renee Zellweger's nipples in this photo taken at the Golden Globes? Hmm, we didn't think so.

OJ Simpson, Bernie Madoff To Appear in NBC “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition"

2009-01-11T11:00:00.005-05:00

Convicted felons O.J. Simpson, Wesley Snipes, Keifer Sutherland, and Tom Sizemore will be joining the cast of NBC’s upcoming show, “Celebrity Apprentice: Prison Edition.” The slate of 16 celebrities with legal troubles will also include performer Kid Rock, tabloid personality Paris Hilton, Joey Buttafuoco, Boy George and Michael Lohan, the father of Lindsay Lohan. Disgraced financier Bernard Madoff, who is soon to be convicted on multiple counts of fraud, is also expected to join the cast. “Life in the Big House can be rough,” says host Donald Trump. “It’s important to know who’s the snitch, where to hide a shank, and how to run a profitable cigarette smuggling operation. We’ll be watching to see who can perform at the highest levels under that kind of pressure.” The hour-long show is expected to join the NBC line up in mid-March.

French Officials Say 'Non' To Ambassador Anna Wintour

2009-01-10T12:50:00.003-05:00

French government officials reacted with horror and shocked disbelief to a published report that Vogue Editor-in-Chieff Anna Wintour was being considered as Barack Obama’s U.S. Ambassador to France. "Non, non, non," said one French official. “C’est une peau de vache.!” [Roughly translated: No, no, no… She’s a bitch!.] While it is highly unusual that a host country should insert itself in the process of choosing an ambassador, French officials apparently are convinced that the choice of Wintour merits a pre-emptive strike, fearing that the legendarily cryptic, even inscrutable style of intimidating micro-management Wintour is known for will leave them floundering at the negotiating table. One top official suggested that Wintour's theoretical ambassadorship be re-assigned. "Put her up against Kim Jong-il,” he said, referring to the leader of North Korea. "Now there's a match made in heaven."

Obama's Half-Sister, Cousins, Neighbors To Move Into The White House

2009-01-09T15:30:00.008-05:00

It's official!! President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, won't be the only one moving into the White House in the coming months. Obama reportedly also has invited his half-sister, Maya Setoro-Ng, "cousin" Raila Odinga, cousin-in-law Rabbi Capers Funnye, and three former neighbors from Chicago to join him at his new D.C. diggs, according to an Obama spokeswoman.

"Let's face it: Americans at all income levels need to tighten their belts in this economy," the spokeswoman said. "Obama thinks 'co-housing' may be the wave of the future, and the White House is a very big place." She decined to comment on rumors that Obama's personal trainer and former garbage man might join the family at a later date.

Madonna Rushes Lourdes Leon To Emergency Eyebrow Waxing

2009-01-08T09:28:00.007-05:00

Pop singer Madonna abruptly canceled her concert tour and returned to London when her daughter Lourdes Leon was rushed to an emergency appointment at an eyebrow waxing clinic. "Madonna became absolutely frantic," a source close to the middle-aged songstress said. "With all of the fuss about the divorce from Guy, Madonna more or less forgot that Lourdes needed a twice-weekly wax. Then, when she saw a picture of Lourdes that was printed in a UK newspaper, Madonna freaked and ordered staff to schedule an emergency waxing. It was almost too late--the poor girl's vision was almost totally obscured by the unrestrained growth of her eyebrow hair. It was quite nearly a tragedy." Sources say the girl is resting comfortably after the procedure.

Caroline Bouvier Kennedy Puts The "You" In You Know

2009-01-06T14:43:00.005-05:00

Oh, that Caroline Kennedy... Though she refuses to provide basic data about her finances, she expects Gov. David Paterson to appoint her to succeed Hillary Clinton in the Senate. And she has absolutely no experience. Oh yeah, and her favorite word is "you know."

CNN Ousts Nancy Grace; Caylee Anthony Show To Air Immediately

2009-01-05T11:33:00.006-05:00

CNN Headlines News executives have decided to rename host Nancy Grace's hour-long program "The Caylee Anthony Show, Featuring Nancy Grace." The change is effective immediately. "At this point, Nancy more or less has Caylee's name tattooed across her forehead," a network source said. "We're extending the brand. If you watch the program, Nancy says 'Caylee' about once every 10 seconds. Our proprietary research indicates that if we accelerate that rate, we'll improve ratings dramatically. What we're aiming for is to have Nancy Grace staring at the camera and demanding in a high-pitched, grating shriek, 'Where is Caylee Anthony?' or some variation thereof about once every 6 seconds for a full hour, five nights a week. We see a franchise in this." Grace could not be reached for comment.

Regulators Offer Early Peek At Bernard Madoff Assets

2008-12-28T08:07:00.010-05:00

Apparently disgraced Ponzi master, Bernard Madoff, wasn't exaggerating when he told federal agents he was completely "broke." A preliminary list of Madoff assets indicates that bilked investors stand little chance of ever getting their money back, sources close to the investigation say.

Here are some of the Madoff assets that will be up for grabs:

* A $113 returned merchandise credit from Bloomingdales

* A gold-plated class ring from Far Rockaway High School

* A video cassette of "Wall Street," autographed by Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen

* Yeshiva University men's basketball season tickets

* A vintage Farrah Fawcett poster (reportedly stolen from his son, Mark)

Sources say a few other items--including a hardwood replica of Madoff's fishing boat, Bull--may be added to the final list of assets when Madoff turns it over to the Securities and Exchange Commission before New Year's Eve.

Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Tapped For Movie Remake of "Errand Boy"

2008-12-27T16:17:00.004-05:00

Recently engaged couple Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are in talks to star in a remake of the vintage Jerry Lewis film "Errand Boy," sources say. "It's Giselle's idea," according to the source. "Brady seems a little lukewarm on it, probably because he already spends most of his time running errands for her." (Indeed, the injured football star last week paid a paparazzi $2500 not to print a picture of him standing in line at Walgreens as he waited to buy a box of Tampax for the Brazilian supermodel.)

The source went on to say the biggest hurdle for the movie deal is finding the right script. "This is a comedy, and neither Brady nor Giselle have much of a sense of humor. They're both kind of stiff and wooden."

Schwarzenegger Orders eBay Auction of Hollywood Sign

2008-12-23T13:49:00.005-05:00

Facing a depleted Treasury, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today authorized a sweeping fund raising effort that includes such measures as auctioning on eBay the individual letters of the fabled "Hollywood" sign in Los Angeles, selling the naming rights to the Golden Gate Bridge, and affixing advertising to roads signs on state highways. "It's a fantastic opportunity," said the Governor of the plan to sell the 50-foot high letters of the landmark sign in the Hollywood hills. "Owning a piece of Hollywood history like this is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime."

Officials said that under the terms of the auction, each letter would be owned individually, with restrictions on movement. "A person could receive legal title to the letter," one source said. "But they can't move it. Or paint it. Or actually do anything to it. It's kind of an ego thing, actually."

Plans for selling the naming rights for other state structures, such as the Golden Gate Bridge, are also in motion. "We envision stadium names, like the Intel Golden Gate Bridge, or the Denny's Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Golden Gate Bridge." Highway signs are also included. In one example, an exit sign for the 405 freeway would be known as the Long John Silver Exit 27 Upland/ Cienega. "We have to be creative, " Schwarzenegger said. "Raising taxes is not the answer. The Toyota Highlander Presents Leo Carillo Beach State Park is."

Maxim Magazine Names Madonna Unsexiest Vegetarian

2008-12-20T10:37:00.006-05:00

Maxim magazine today announced its annual list of "The Five Unsexiest Vegetarians Alive." The results, which will be published in the next edition of the men's magazine, offered few surprises. Topping the list for her "dessicated, dried out, and tough appearance" is grandmotherly pop singer, Madonna. "The irony is that Guy Ritchie likened making love to Madonna to 'cuddling up to a piece of gristle,'" said Rochel DeBeers, a magazine spokesman. "Well, she may cuddle like tough stringy animal tissue, but she really is a vegetarian."

Following Madonna are forgotten sitcom actress Lisa Bonet, rapidly aging musician Sir Paul McCartney ("you don't have to eat beef jerky to look like it," the magazine quipped), indie irrelevancy Fiona Apple, and retired film actress Daryl Hannah.

Iraqi Shoe Thrower, Muntazer al-Zaidi, Demands Royalties From Video Games

2008-12-18T18:34:00.004-05:00

Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush, has demanded a share of the royalties from the viral video games that have popped up on the Internet. The games, such as 'Sock and Awe,' have become a popular diversion for various groups of people with far too much time on their hands.

"Justice must be served," said Ali Khan Numormi, a lawyer for al-Zaidi. "What's right is right, and payment for digital performances is preserved for us under all systems of law, including Islamic and U.S. copyright law."

Toyota To Buy General Motors, Rename Detroit ‘Dirty Old Town By Lake’

2008-12-14T19:19:00.003-05:00

Japanese automaker Toyota has made a bid to purchase General Motors for $999.95 and four sets of snow tires, according to a GM source. Under the terms of the planned acquisition, Toyota will gain control of all of GM's manufacturing facilities, its inventory of unsold, fuel-inefficient cars, various commercial real estate parcels, and GM's corporate discount card at Staples. Sources say the deal excludes all of the failed automaker’s liabilities, including bonds, dealer obligations, pension and retiree benefits, and severance payments to its 100,000 plus suddenly jobless union workers. "This is a total win-win for Toyota," one top industry analyst noted.

GM’s bond and equity holders apparently are mixed in their opinions about the deal. "Philosophically, I think wiping out hundreds of thousands of jobs and destroying billions of dollars in equity is a bad idea,” one shareholder said. “But I really like the snow tires.”

Also under discussion are the naming rights for the city of Detroit. Toyota executives are said to favor "Dirty Old Town By Lake," but Detroit city officials are adamantly opposed. "Changing the stationary would cost at least $500," one city insider complained. "We can't even afford to mail a letter, let alone change the letterhead on stationary we don't use." A compromise, "Dying, Scary Industrial Ghost Town," is said to be under discussion.

Miley Cyrus Settles For Used Porsche

2008-12-12T17:54:00.004-05:00

Like many other teens who are suffering in these troubled economic times, pop sensation Miley Cyrus received just a hand-me-down for her sweet 16th. The charmingly unspoiled teen, who had wanted a Mercedes, got her mom's used Porsche Cayenne instead. Miley's mom, Tish, told reporters: "We're not really loving our children when we give into their every wish, especially if it means putting ourselves as parents aside." What exactly did Tish replace her Porsche with? A $455,500 Mercedes SLR McLaren, but of course.

Golfer John Daly Smashes Camera After Unflattering Chin Shot

2008-12-11T15:52:00.003-05:00

Hideously overweight golfer, John Daly, smashed the camera of a spectator who was trying to get a close-up of his double chin at the Australian Open on Thursday. The spectator, Brad Clegg, said he had managed to get his camera about six inches from Daly's face when the golfer grabbed it and smashed it against a tree. Clegg, who was taking the shot for an inspirational weight-loss calandar, was not injured in the incident. "I guess Daly is a little sensitive about all that subcutaneous fat around his neck," Clegg said. "But, then again, who wouldn't be."

Illinois Governor Arrested For Attempt To Swap Senate Seat For New Toupee

2008-12-09T12:29:00.000-05:00

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on charges that he conspired to trade Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat for a new custom toupee.

According to a 76-page FBI affidavit, court-authorized wiretaps revealed that Blagojevich wanted to replace his ill-fitting synthetic toupee with a custom-made real hair one. "The real ones cost major bucks," noted a source close to Blagojevich. "Rod was willing to risk it all, but apparently both he and his wife, Patti, really thought it was worth it."

Sarkosy Invites Obama To Smoke Cigarettes In Paris

2008-12-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

In a bold gesture to improve Franco-American relations, French President Nicolas Sarkosy telephoned President-elect Barack Obama early this morning and invited him "to smoke his cigarettes at the Élysée Palace anytime," sources said.

After hanging up on Sarkosy twice, Obama had a warm and lengthy conversation with the French cigar aficionado. "From now on, I will stock Marlboros in my humidor for you, though you really should try our Gitanes," Sarkosy told Obama.

Sarkosy also congratulated Obama for his honesty in an interview with Tom Brokaw Sunday night during which Obama admitted that he had "fallen off the wagon" and continued to secretly enjoy his smokes. "We French value honesty above all in American leaders," Sarkosy said.

In one tense moment, the French President chided Obama for his choice of former First Lady Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State since she was the instigator of the White House no-smoking rule. "Elle me fiche le cafard!" (literally translated: she gives me the cockroach). Obama replied that he planned to lift the ban immediately following his inauguration. "With the economy like it is, the gum just isn't going to work," Obama told Sarkosy.

General Motors CEO Offers Congress First-Born Granddaughter For Aid

2008-12-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

Will Congress accept blood money for a bailout? General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner is counting on it. In a startling attempt to one-up rival Ford CEO Alan Mulally, Wagoner reportedly has offered Congress his first-born granddaughter in exchange for a bailout of his struggling auto company. Mulally earlier had made a lesser vow to work for an annual salary of $1 in exhange for government help. A source close to Wagoner's family said sons W. Matthew Wagoner, Scott Kaylor Wagoner, and George Richard Wagoner III, are in complete support of their father's generous gesture. Which son will lose a child has yet to be determined, the source said.

Bush Pardons One Turkey At The White House, Slaughters Another At Camp David

2008-11-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

That President Bush is one sneaky guy. After performing the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony, the soon-to-be dethroned President cheerfully shared his Thanksgiving menu at Camp David. A vegan feast complete with tofu turkey? Absolutely not! The Bush family will be dining on free-range roast turkey, whipped maple sweet potatoes (it's still unclear who does the whipping), giblet gravy, and pumpkin pie with whipped topping (yet another whipping), among other items. A spokesman for the President declined to comment on the hypocrisy of it all.

Hugh Hefner Dumps Twins For Triplets

2008-11-27T07:24:00.000-05:00

Rapidly aging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner has dumped his 19-year-old twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon, and replaced them with triplets, a Hefner source confirmed this morning. "Those twins were just too much trouble," the source said. "Hugh likes it a little rough, but aggravated assault is just not his thing."

The new triplets, who will move into the Playboy Mansion on Thanksgiving day, have crystal clean records, nice breasts, and pleasant attitudes, according to the source. "Hugh is hoping that three's the charm," she said.

Obama Sneeze Video Rockets To The Top of You Tube

2008-11-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

We're still trying to figure out why this video of President-elect Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter has garnered so many You Tube votes...

Tiger Woods Scores New Endorsement Deal With Depend

2008-11-24T18:50:00.000-05:00

Just moments after ending his $7 million-a-year endorsement contract with struggling automaker General Motors, golfing legend Tiger Woods has picked up a new contract with adult diaper maker, Depend. "The urinary incontinence market is very attractive to Tiger," a spokesman for the golfer said. "It's a good fit with golfing demographics, and most importantly, 100% recession-proof." The spokesman declined to comment on terms of the deal.

Cindy McCain Misses Botox Appointment, Terrifies School Children

2008-11-24T15:58:00.001-05:00

Cindy McCain, wife of failed Presidential candidate John McCain, terrified a group of elementary school students yesterday after missing an appointment at a plastic surgery clinic for her daily injection of botox.

Mrs. McCain was scheduled to appear at the John Birch Elementary School as part of an "Our Government Day" celebration. When she walked into one classroom, student cheers quickly changed to screams of alarm and terror. "Mrs. McCain had a unusual appearance," one teacher said. "She looked like a Barbie doll that had been shoved into a blast furnace --all crinkly and cratered."

Have tumbling stock prices forced the McCains to reduce the family botox budget? "Not at all," a McCain spokeswoman said. "They're trimming other expenses, but definately not the botox. Apparently, Cindy missed the appointment simply because she got stuck in traffic."

Clinton Touts Plan To Make Pentagon Into Hexagon

2008-04-08T14:03:00.001-04:00

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton
today unveiled a plan to add a sixth vertex to the
Pentagon, reconfiguring the headquarters of the
Department of Defense into a Hexagon. "Bold and
dramatic change is needed in Washington," Clinton said
in a statement. "The visual metaphor of remodeling one
of the world's largest office buildings into an even
larger office building is one way to show my
administration will deliver on the appearance of
change, even as the status quo will be maintained."

Plans call for a sixth side to be added along the
eastern portion of the building, that which currently
faces the Potomac River. Some 600,000 additional
square feet of office space will be created,
approximately 10% of the existing amount. "This
addition will facilitate efficiency and reduce
redundancy among DOD offices," Clinton said. "Workers
in the new Hexagon will no longer have to travel 10 or
15 minutes to get to a Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks, as
new fast food service are will be housed in the new
wing. Untold man hours will be saved, thereby lowering
costs." The Pentagon currently manages about dozen
restaurant outlets.

Clinton also cited a boost to the Washington and
national economies. "With a preliminary budget of some
$20 billion dollars, with the opportunity for
over-runs that could double or even triple the cost,
we forecast a tremendous boost for the profit margins
of favored contractors and their CEO's," Clinton said.
"It's a win-win situation for everyone."

Trapped In Hell With Victoria Beckam

2008-04-06T15:55:00.000-04:00

Get an inside look at the true Victoria Beckham in the latest installment of our popular celebrity series. Stay tuned for "Trapped In Hell With Renee Zellweger."

Clinton Rejects Proposal To Play Laser Tag As Deciding Campaign Event

2008-04-06T05:33:00.000-04:00

After several days of intense internal debate, Hillary Clinton's campaign managers have rejected an overture from their counterparts in Barack Obama's camp to stage a game of arena laser tag as the deciding campaign event, insiders said today. The plan, first floated by Obama Campaign Manger David Plouffe, would have had Clinton and Obama squaring off in a winner-take-all match, with the loser dropping out of the Presidential race.

Sources said the idea was seriously considered by both sides. "We do indeed want to show that Hillary is strong on national defense," a spokeswoman for Clinton said. "Laser tag, with its quasi-military elements, fits that purpose. We felt Hillary was nimble enough, fit enough, and determined enough to compete and win a typical arena laser tag game. She's really good at creeping around corners and turning up unexpectedly. I mean, she's been married to Bill for a long, long time."

The Obama camp had their reasons for playing, too. "We're sure that Obama could outlast Hillary," an Obama insider said. "He's younger, stronger, and he's played laser tag many times before with his kids."

Negotiations reportedly broke down over the size of the laser tag facility, the number of hits required for victory, and the equipment. "They wanted the Positronic 2000 system, which isn't very gin." Both sides say they still may revisit the issue, as they much prefer the prospect of a spirited game of laser tag to a long, grinding, and static campaignood over 20 yards," the Clinton spokeswoman said of the Obama camp. "If we couldn't get the Laseroid 12-KU system, which is accurate up to 40 yards, we weren't going in."

Naomi Campbell Arrested In London, New York, Los Angeles

2008-04-04T08:13:00.000-04:00

Model and actress Naomi Campbell was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for allegedly spitting at a police officer. After being booked and released, Campbell flew to New York where she was arrested again during a plane change for spitting at a flight attendant. Booked and released for a second time, the supermodel continued on to Los Angeles, where she was arrested after disembarking for spitting at a baggage handler. "After the two previous arrests, Naomi was very tired," her publicist said. "She simply didn't have the energy to spit at anyone in a position of authority. The baggage handler was closest, so she aimed at him."

In January, 2007, Campbell pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault for throwing a cellphone at her maid's head in a dispute over a missing pair of jeans. The jeans were never found.

Seinfeld Will Sue Himself After Car Crash

2008-04-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who narrowly escaped injury when the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed yesterday, will file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against himself, a source close to Seinfeld said. "Jerry was very lucky not to be killed in that crash," the insider said. "He's furious that he allowed himself to fix the brakes of the car. He should have brought that Fiat to a professional -- it's simple negligence."

Seinfeld, who earned a fortune when his sitcom went into syndication, isn't filing the suit for the money, the source said. "Jerry thinks if he sues himself, he'll learn a lesson that can't be measured in dollars. He needs to recognize his responsibilities -- unlike Kramer, who sued himself in Season Five just for laughs."

Apple Eugenics: Has Steve Jobs Gone Too Far?

2008-04-02T11:51:00.002-04:00

Is Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs really trying to create a better world by inserting Macintosh code into the human gene pool? The jury is still out, but all signs are leading to one inescapable conclusion.

The first genetically modified iBaby showed up last year, bearing a distinctive apple-shaped birthmark. Since then, more than a hundred babies bearing a similar Macintosh logo have been sighted at hospital maternity wards, the majority in Silicon Valley. "It's unclear at this point if Jobs is trying to create a superior race or simply trying to produce out-of-the-womb brand-loyal consumers," said Murray Horowitz, head of the Vassar Institute of Anthropology, Human Heredity, and Eugenics. "We're going to be keeping a close eye on this one."

Coty To Rename Parker Fragrance

2008-04-01T15:38:00.000-04:00

Still reeling after a Maxim magazine poll named her the "unsexiest woman alive," Sarah Jessica Parker yesterday was dealt another devastating blow. Coty, maker of the Sex and the City star's perfume, "Lovely," has decided to rename the fragrance. Sources say the new name has yet to be chosen, but top contenders include "Homely," "Repellant, and "Utterly Hideous."

Ultimate Blow For Hil: Bill Clinton Endorses Obama

2008-03-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton weathered what campaign insiders call "the ultimate blow" earlier today when her husband, Bill Clinton, announced his endorsement of Barack Obama. "God knows I'd like to live anywhere but Westchester, but this just isn't going anywhere," the President said.

Still reeling from Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey's endorsement of her rival yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is said to be maintaining a remarkably upbeat demeanor. "She's been listening to that Bobby Mcferrin song all day," an aide said, referring to the singer's 1988 hit "Don't Worry Be Happy." Asked by reporters if she might now finally step aside, Clinton just smiled broadly and said "wild horses couldn't drag me out of this campaign."

Cox To Aniston: Please Get A Life

2008-03-28T17:27:00.000-04:00

Sick and tired of having woefully undesirable divorcee Jennifer Aniston trail along with her family on every single vacation they take, Courteney Cox has finally put her foot down. "We thought Jen would have found a boyfriend by now," a weary Cox told reporters. "I'll still do the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research thing with her, but David and I are going snorkeling in Bali alone.

A visibly upset Aniston, who shadows Cox upwards of 17 hours a day, responded to the news from her Malibu bungalow. "Clearly Courteney is mising that sensitivity chip," she said.

Obama Camp Split By Dissension: Bitter Fight Over Choice Of Official Campaing Theme Song

2008-03-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

The Obama presidential campaign, which in past weeks has been a model of smoothly functioning political operation, has found itself polarized over an apparently simple choice: the selection of an official campaign theme song. “When [Bill] Clinton decided on that Fleetwood Mac song, his campaign just took off,” a spokeswoman for the Illinois Senator said. “Obama needs one too, but we just haven’t come to a consensus yet.”

Sources say the choice has been complicated by a large number of competing interests. One faction is heavily promoting “We’re Jamming” by reggae legend Bob Marley. Another favors wants “Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin)’” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc. A third faction, originally led by former Obama foreign policy advisor Samantha Power, prefers Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” “I loved that one,” Power told Obama Headline News. “It bolsters the gay vote and slams Hillary all at the same time.” Obama’s personal preference?: “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown.

Obama: Fix Social Security, Medicare, Microwave Ovens

2008-03-26T11:03:00.000-04:00

Presidential candidate Barack Obama today released an ambitious policy statement that sets goals and benchmarks for fixing three vexing national problems: Social Security, Medicaid, and inconsistent settings for microwave ovens. "Social Security will run out of funds in thirty years, Medicaid in nine, and you can't pop a bag of microwave popcorn without standing there and watching it because the power settings are completely inconsistent," Obama told reporters. "I believe Americans are entitled to a secure retirement, affordable medical care, and microwave popcorn that doesn't taste all charred and disgusting. My administration will tackle these issues, and make them work."

Obama Shows New 'Fro: Black Enough Now?

2008-03-25T17:49:00.001-04:00

Sick and tired of hearing he's "not black enough," Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has opted for a change of hairstyle. "I love it," the Senator told reporters today of his new do. "Just a little bit of Afro-Sheen, and I'm ready to go." What does wife Michelle think? Rumor has it she's so smitten she's planning to grow a 'fro of her own.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright Apologies For God Damn America Sermon

2008-03-24T16:50:00.001-04:00

Senator Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has finally offered a public apology for his infamous God Damn America sermon. Wright took to the airwaves Tuesday afternoon to say he was “deeply, deeply sorry” for the words he delivered to his congregation. “I flipped out,” a tearful Wright said during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “I certainly didn’t mean to say ‘God Damn America.’ What I meant to say was ‘God Damn F*cking America.’ And don’t even get me started about Canada…”

Obama To Spitzer: Don't Endorse Me, Please

2008-03-20T18:58:00.002-04:00

Senator Barack Obama has asked disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer not to endorse his candidacy for President today, tomorrow, or at any point prior to the election. "While I am personally sympathetic to Mr. Spitzer and his domestic difficulties, I hope he will recognize that his endorsement would be, at this point, a burden," Obama said in a statement. "I wish him well, but his formal endorsement would, quite frankly, only distract Americans from our mission of bringing real and needed change to America."

An Obama spokesman said Spitzer is just one of many pubic figures who will be asked not to endorse the Senator in the coming weeks. Disgraced Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal, rapper Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and director-producer Judd Aptow will all be encouraged not to offer their public support. "The last thing we need is a good word from Stan O'Neal," the spokesman said. "And after Drillbit Taylor, we wouldn't touch Aptow with a ten-foot pole."

American Samoa Delegate Up For Grabs

2008-03-17T17:16:00.001-04:00

Tutuila, American Samoa: This small, unincorporated island territory is ordinarily a relaxed tropical paradise, with warm, sunny days and warm, breezy nights. Lately, however, a bruising, desperate fight has consumed islanders. At stake is the allegiance of the territory's one delegate to the upcoming Democratic National Convention. What makes this battle all the more difficult to decipher is the delegate's honorary, i.e. non-voting, status. "I believe in change," says long-time Governor Togiola Tulafon. "I believe in Obama. He deserves our honorary, untallied vote." Not so, say members of the opposition. "Most islanders want our non-vote to go to Hillary Clinton," says Tulafon Togiola, a long-time political opponent of Governor Tulafon. "If we have no influence on the convention, we want that lack of influence to be for someone who has ignored us for decades, rather than months."